Tuesday, September 8, 2009

how many turds does it take to design a steaming pile of crap?


let me start off by saying there is some pretty obvious tomfoolery going on over at hgtv...or should i say danfoolery??? more on that in a minute...


so lonni is gone this week. oh well. sorry lonni, according to the judges you can't multitask or meet a deadline therefore your actually quite pretty room fails! well that's just crazy to me considering it was the FUCKING NO HABLA ENGLAIS FUCKERS THAT FUCKED YOU! or maybe you were sabbotaged by dan and his new boyfriend.. i thought dan was going to pee pee when he learned that john gidding was coming in...
who in the fuck are you anyway john gidding??? MFaMB had to do some research and found this:a gay dude who thinks he's awesome. oh and he's on hgtv's designed to sell...oh THAAAAT john gidding. (???!!)


alright...so let's get to it..




the specifics: the designers were paired with a celebrity each, given 20,000 dollars, 2 carpenters and 30 hours to complete the room.




our pal lonni got tiffani thiessen and her husband brady somebody who wanted a guest room. here's what lonni birthed:




sorry for the smallness. larger images here. and there was no before. over all the room is nice. tiffani and brad wanted "eco friendly, eclectic, contemporary, earthtones". i call it modern rustic, but whatever, what the fuck do i know? anyway...i think she delivered. she found a really pretty, huge piece of reclaimed wood that she wanted mounted on the wall as a headboard but unfortunately the people she bought it from who said they would mount it for her were retarded and couldn't. sorry lonni, you were much nicer about it than i would have been. suffice it to say i would have been cracking some heads against that piece of reclaimed wood. especially since this is what ultimately got you sent home. well MFaMB thinks you were robbed lonni, i think your design was the prettiest. and to you genevieve" psycho eyes" gorder who said that the white bedding was too bland- ummm....no it isn't!! it is that white bedding that helps your eyes focus on that lovely grasscloth wallcovering behind the bed. if there was some kind of bullshit pattern or darker color on the bed it would read too fussy overall. so in YOUR face gorder.









moving on: dantard got jason priestly claiming he had hit the big time..i'll say dan...if it were me i would have had a hard time not throwing around phrases like, "hey brandon, wanna go make out in nat's office in the peach pit?" or "brandon, why don't you go get dylan and we can all go build a bonfire at the beach and get it on?"


anyhoo...the priestly's wanted a guest room turned into a nursery/guest room. the theme was nautical, cape cod, beachy...here's what dan envisaged:yeah, those are 3 recliners in the nursery, you can barely see the 3rd one in the bottom left hand corner. there is also a flatscreen above the changing station and a lot of sculpted boat frame thingy's that are pretty cool if a bit gimmicky. but hgtv loves a designer with a good gimmick up their sleeve. the room is ok, not terrible. dan did do a pretty good painting of clouds and sky. you can see it there in the top right corner of the image. he also took store bought curtains and fancied them up with some shiny embellished fabric to create a stripe, nice touch dan. while not a fan of wall decals or wall murals the whales add a bit of whimsy that is so desperately needed in this nursery. but i still think that 3 recliners is weird and that overall this room doesn't seem very functional. but the judges loved it! hmmmmm...my aforementioned suspicions of danfoolery are becoming more tangible. speaking of judges...mandice was looking very little lord fauntleroy this week:although this week she shall be called: tandice


note to tandice's stylist: you suck.




ok. so last and certainly least was antonio's creation for kathy griffin. she wanted an office for "team griffin". she mentioned liking modern, zen, minimal...oh no here we go again...not zen...can we please give this so called style a rest. what the fuck is zen anyway?? i'll tell you what it is..it's boring. move on. get some books and an antique piece and warm your spaces up you zen loving freaks! so antonio giving his best minimal zen gave us the fucking set from plan 9 from outer space. seriously, lavender is pretty but here it looks like they used the leftover paint from monica and rachel's apartment on the friends set. note to hgtv...antonio works on sets. everything he does looks like a set. there is nothing personal or comforting in his work. and he has fangs. seriously, he does. now, this is how you can make this room better: first of all get rid of the stupid doormat between the two white chairs and put a real fluffy textured rug down the center of that room. this room needs texture in a big, bad way. add a few pendant lights over the work stations and already the room is about 8379273049million times better. and that's just off the top of my head...or...2.2 seconds. not 30 hours.





i think antonio should have gone home this week. and i am quite certain the only reason he didn't was b/c he had a better on air hosting personality than lonni. HOWEVER!!!! dantard has the WORST on air hosting personality, unless you like your hosts to be be slightly dimwitted. but, as i said before i think something fishy is going on...like maybe someone is doling out the BJ's and i think his name starts with D and ends with AN.









35 comments:

Mrs. Limestone said...

Oh my god. Hilarious.

They have been smoking Dan's pipe since day 1. Lonni was absolutely robbed.

meg said...

lonni was totally robbed. but the best thing about the whole episode was tiffani's shirt when they first got to her place. i'd like to find out where to buy that.

High-Heeled Foot in the door said...

Haha Jenny! These posts are fab! I gave up on watching design star this season, but I love catching up on what I missed with your weekly posts. Too funny! I totally agree from the looks of it Lonni should have stayed!!!!

Danika Herrick said...

HAHAHAHA! I swear Dan is a happy little gay robot created by HGTV. He even has a creepy puppet mouth. I can't believe these people actually get their own show! Between David "wife-beater and pecs" Bromstad and the newest chick (the poor thing that needs a hot oil treatment and a new dye-job) i am bored to tears! They really need to let a foul-mouthed drunk win to boost ratings.

ashley morgan said...

Lonni's room was the best by far! I HATED Dan's room. It felt way cluttered (partially due to the 3 chairs!) and that brown shag rug alone made me want to punch a baby. I literally sat there with my mouth open as the judges went on and on about his great room.

Allison said...

Love your reviews!

Ann said...

First of all I love, love your blog. Makes my day.
Lonni was robbed. It killed me when they eliminated her because her room was not completed. Her room was far better then the other two rooms.
I just watched Genevieve's show where she redid this couples bedroom and when they did the reveal there was not a freakin plate cover on the light switch. How jacked up is that!!!

Sarah said...

I look forward to these posts every week. You make my day. Lonni was robbed. Clearly the producers have some kind of man-crush on Dan, because that room was schizo, disjointed, and LAME (aside from the semi-cool boat hulls hanging from the ceiling.) Dan-Dan gets faker every week, and I think he's going for David Bromstad's "style" (if you can call it that) with his sketches, giggles, and his "art" (umm I finger painted better stuff in 2nd grade.) I agree that Fang-tonio should have been sent home, although I find his hosting style highly amusing... That, and Kathy Griffin is hilarious. xo

Anonymous said...

You're too funny. But I have to confess I am rooting for Antonio--maybe for all the wrong reasons like I need something to wake me up after all those real estate shows.

I think something weird is happening behind the scenes...and HGTV is too incompetent to hide it. It's just a hot mess.

jess@noelmarie said...

Agreed! Lonni was the best (although super boring personality) and Dan scares the hell out of me.

That other guy (who cares) sucks and his room sucked even harder than Dan's. In fact, this whole show sucks.

Haven and Home said...

You make me laugh out loud all the time. I have not seen this episode yet, but this season has been so terrible I can't say I am looking forward to it...

LindsB said...

going home to watch this one right now- I'm sure it cant be much better than the others.

Jessica Hills said...

hahaha! Too many f-words but still love your interpretation! I agree with you though, the show is definitely rigged.

Sharnel said...

Rad commentary as usual.
x

FROM THE RIGHT BANK said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one to notice Antonio's fangs. I find them totally distracting. And I thought the exact same thing about Mandice/Tandice's hair this week. What the? Aside from the boats and the painting hung with ropes, I really did not like the nursery and couldn't believe the judges were gushing over it like that. I really thought he was going to go home but now I understand why that didn't happen . . .

John said...

Ouchie!
I was just forwarded this link by an Atlanta friend, and I'm going to need a stiff drink after reading this!
It's not that I think I'm awesome, it's that I think you'll like the website I'm working on... (It's got good before and afters, promise!)

I think your... take on Design Star is funny enough, though I would hope that the eventual winner will convince you of his skills! (Again, eventually perhaps.) As long as you're somewhat enjoying it, I guess that's the point.

Meanwhile, I did enjoy your blog - especially the color exposes and basil butter recipe. Very cute kid, too!

As for me, I do lots of work in the Atlanta region - hopefully you'll see some of it and... reassess.

-John

Chesa said...

Uh, after THE John Gidding commented, I'm not sure I can still post that I wasn't sure who he was either? That's in poor taste I think. Oh well. I love how Dan attempted to step backward around the arm chairs while hosting, not giggling and pointing out all 9 focal points in the room. Do you think they are going for the whole reality trainwreck effect where we log in each week just to see how bad it might get?

my favorite and my best said...

oh john you'd better settle your gorgeous ass down or i will grab you and turn you straight with the power of style AND piznussy.

MyLittleHappyPlace said...

Been waiting ALL day to read this post. I'm dying!

Debbie in Tx said...

Girl, you are too funny!!! Loved your blog. I just found it from a post on the HGTV site.. I am definately going to be a contributor... Thanks for the extremely funny content and keep it up.

court. said...

oh my god. you just said piznussy. i'm in love!

cristina said...

Funny as usual, but was the "no habla englais" (whatever that is) thing necessary?

Rachel said...

Very funny post. I did not notice the fangs, but now that you point it out... I also agree that the purple was not warm or inviting. The funniest part of that room was the mini round rug ????

The Townhouselady said...

You review had me laughing my piznussy off.

Lonni was SOOOooo robbed! Her room was gorgeous and they raw fucked her royally on a technicality.

Danny McGigglepuss is so painfully awkward and forced. Although, I did think this was one of his better efforts.

Antonio, is like every meat head guy I grew up with. "I'm right cause I'm bossy, got a problem with it?" His room was a MAJOR FAIL. HORRIFIC. Kathy mentioned a conference table was that stupid miniature white table, replete with miniature rug, and two chairs (uhm, there's 4 of them, he should have nabbed two of Dan's extra recliners) a conference area? The only thing I liked was the map and that he was willing to flirt with Kathy.

Totally rigged.

P.S. John- you might want to keep your distance from Dan. He was so hot in the drawers for you it was alarming.

bluehydrangea said...

Once again a fabulous review..Loved Lonnie, still have a chill from Antonio's room..and a comment from John...dang girl! You have to admit he is just about the cutest thing ever..well, except for Butterball!

Visual Vamp said...

Lonni did the best room.
The young cute gay guy is what HGTV loves.
Antonio should have gone bye bye a long time ago.
So guess what? Move over David Bromstead.
BTW Have you seen the new show with last year's winner? Pathetic and tragic.
How does USA HGTV take raw talent and fuck it up so much?
The shows from Canada HGTV are so much better.
xo xo

Anonymous said...

"...put a real fluffy textured rug down the center of that room."

Not in an office.

my favorite and my best said...

umm...hey anon...what choo got against a fluffy rug in a home office? too luxurious for work? afraid of starting a nap frenzy amongst your 4 employees who are more than likely googling themselves?
would you have prefered something predictable like FLOR tiles?
well anon???? what would YOU have done? if your gonna bring it you better ching ching it.

Olie said...

Had to watch this show because of your blog. HGTV should hire you. Maybe they have.

Laura@JourneyChic said...

This is some funny shit! We clearly agree with what's up on this show. Lonni's room was def the best of the bunch, and just cuz those fools couldn't hang a headboard she got the boot instead of the dopey dude and the one who can't accessorize to save himself. Shame! Truthfully though I think Antonio's hosting style is a riot. Love that John Gidding actually commented on this post!

Rachel said...

How funny. I haven't watched this season at all, but from looking at the pics you seem to be dead on.

And your comment on the whole BJ's being doled out around HGTV?? Had me laughing out loud at my desk at work. I often wonder about that on shows like these, and the society party pages. Someone's getting something.... that's all I'm sayin'.

Thanks for the sharp wit - have a great weekend!

KJ said...

Oh my god, "MANDICE"

Hehehehhehe I cannot stand Candice Olsen. I will call her Mandice from this day forward and my mother will hate me for it.

urbansardines said...

So, I watched this airing last weekend (damn you, every time I read your blog, curiosity compels me to watch this show! :-)). Anyhoo... couldn't agree more. Although I hated the nautical room worse than the "zen" room. I thought Lonny's room was the best. This means that one of those two terrible remaining designers is now going to have a show (wince).

Tiina said...

haha mad woman! (i kind of knew what was coming so once again i had to pile up with some strawberry icecream (non dairy) just before starting to read this. you make me fat jenny!)

Leary said...

John is that really you?!! Love you man. It says alot about your character if you're able to take the criticism--be it constructive or just plain mean spirited--without stooping to the level of the one hurling the insults.
You can't please everyone, as I'm sure you're aware. Just continue to do you man. Looking forward to checking out your website as I "dabble" in the same profession.

Stay cool.