Wednesday, December 30, 2009

birth...warning..this is gross, graphic and i say fuck a lot.




recently you might have read about jenny's crazy accidental home birth...that went smooth as butter and there was joy and glee and maybe a little afterbirth accident or placenta gloppage here and there but overall it sounded pretty fucking amazing and beautiful and the stuff that makes you sing the lord's name and hug everyone around you..oh..and it happened on christmas eve and she is named evelyn. perfect, i know. now, before you think i am all jaded and bitter (which i am but more on that later) i also know that she ruined a perfectly good chiang mai dragon covered ottoman and that she was like 2 weeks overdue or some such horribleness. that is no fun i am sure. all big and uncomfortable for like ever. but let's define big...i wonder just how big jenny was? she is pretty much a slip of a girl anyway, so i wonder if she even got all that big. me? i weighed 200 pounds at delivery. normally i am about 135. my kid also dropped at 8 lbs. 15 oz. so yes, most of that weight was just me. fat, old me. and it took me nearly 4 years to get it all off. not 9 months as they say. you know, 9 months on, 9 months off...HA that's fucking bullshit is what that is. maybe if you are 25 or under, but i was 35 years old when i had fiona. and that shit doesn't come off so easy when you reach 30 and up. and don't believe all that angelina jolie bullcrap about "i breast feed so the weight just slides off".
bitch, i breast fed for THREE YEARS! all that does is make you eat more bc your fucking hungry as balls all the time. no angie, what you are is anorexic. don't bullshit me q-tip!!

ok ok ok...before i get carried away let me get to my point....today is the birthday of my dearest littlest five year old, fiona honey anderson. and i was asked by a fellow blogger to tell my tale. my tale of pregnancy and delivery and all that it was for me. she shall remain nameless at this time for fear my story will make you hate her for having me tell it. i think i understand...i mean..she is young..married, ready for children in the near future and wants to know from someone who never sugar coats anything on what being pregnant and giving birth is really like...you know...for the majority. b/c no matter how amazing and beautiful jenny's story is...it. is. NOT. the norm. nope. and everybody is different. if u are skinny now you will most likely be a skinny pregnant lady. i was never skinny. i was (am) curvy. i have boobs and a tummy. pretty small butt, good legs. kind of sausage-y arms...and a few chins if the angle is right. and that was before i was pregs. now it's still that way...just gravity has moved in and said...w'sup. so whatever your body looks like now...just amplify it in your mind and that's what pregnancy will do to it. pregnancy changes your body. i mean really changes it. you become more aware. more in tune to things. like taste and smell. in fact for most, things that used to smell awesome will now smell like the inside of a rotten vagina. powerful and strong like. make you leave the room, turn u into a raving bitch. as in, "mike...you cannot cook that tonight or for the next 6 months bc if you do i am liable to fucking chop your torso in half with a hatchet and then throw up all over your two halves". i remember not being able to walk through the produce section at whole foods without wanting to puke for 3 or 4 months. which is how long a normal bout of "morning sickness" lasts. but my friend anna had that shit for her. entire. pregnancy. srsly. she burst blood vessel's in her neck and shit from excessive vomiting. for 8 months. that is just evil..and would make you question the existence of god. mine lasted for 4 months. in fact it's not uncommon for you to lose weight in the first 3 months of pregnancy. i was so sick all i could do was lay on the couch and watch alias on dvd, all 3 seasons. and then it happened...i got hungry. it was joyous. i wanted...no...needed mashed potatoes! i made them from scratch. along with a gravy from scratch. it was so fucking good i am certain that i heard angels. and the rest is history. i became an eating machine. for the first time in a very long time i did not care at all about what i was putting in my mouth. i ate everything. i went from an all organic diet to, someone please go thru the fucking mcdonalds drive through and get me 1 of everything. NOW!!!!!!!!!!! and while your at it why don't u hit up chick fil a?
5 months later i weighed 200 lbs. so...be careful.

9 months and counting...
before i go any further its only fair to point out that i am a type 1 diabetic. have been since i was 29 years old. so i was what you call a "high risk pregnancy" that and that i was 35 at the time of her birth. so double risk. all this means is that your chances increase of having some kind of birth defect and/or a big baby. (diabetics have big babies all the time- but so do normal people so whatever) i was very closely monitored all thru my pregnancy. as in ultra sounds and stress tests every week. each and every time my results came back with applause and back pats, "wow, this is one healthy baby and you are doing great!! i can't tell u how many times we see such tragedy with a diabetic mother...". the doctors love to shove fear and authoritativeness in your face.
anyway...my pregnancy was rock solid. no complications and her size was right on track.
we ran into a little difference of opinion around 8 months in. the doctor said he would induce me at 39 weeks and i said the fuck you will. this baby will come when she is damn good and ready. i mean why induce if there are no complications...if the baby is doing great...if she's not too big..etc.. he said then i won't deliver the baby. and i was all...is this guy for real? can he do that?!? we agreed that i would go my full 40 weeks and then induce no matter what. she wasn't coming any time soon when 40 weeks rolled around, no dilation no nuthin! so on wednesday december 29th at 10 pm the hospital called and said, "we have a room ready for you". i remember we were at home watching anchorman. weird. but it's something i will never forget. just like my mom tells me that when she went into labor with me she was watching tiny tim sing tiptoe thru the tulips on johnny carson.

the hospital
when we arrived they took us to our room and said they'd be back with the cervidil. for those that don't know, that's a drug that they insert into your vagina that hastens labor...at the very least it ripens your cervix. ripens your cervix. like a brown banana? anyway.. this is given in the evening so that in the morning you will be ready for bigger and better things..
next up....pitocin. this basically taps your baby on the face and says..."c'mon it's showtime!"
they just keep increasing the dose if they have to. and they had to. sometime in the afternoon on thursday (i lost all track of time b/c i made mike cover the clock on the wall with a shirt. i didn't want to know at this point what time it was, how long i had been in pain, how much longer i was going to be in pain etc..)i asked for an epidural.

the pain
ok, so no secret that having a baby is painful. i knew it would be. even though for 6months i was practicing the hypno birth cd's. lots of meditation and visualization. at the end of the day a whole lot of bullshit too. when that pain comes on no amount of breathing and visualizing is going to make it less painful. but here's the thing that i think will put it in perspective for you..
for me it wasn't so much about the pain...which when it comes on is like nothing you could have imagined and nothing anyone could ever say to you to try and explain it will help you to understand...but about how long will i have to endure it?? let me back up a bit...i wanted to have a natural childbirth. no pain management other than those stupid hypnosis cd's.
but as i said when that pain hit it was scary to say the least. while writhing in agony i was trying to decide how long will this go on before the actual baby pops out?? if it's an hour...i can do it. if it's 3, maybe. if it's 5 or more there is no way!! i am astonished that anyone anywhere EVER gives birth without an epidural. that said..and here's where it gets tricky...when you are induced with drugs that force contractions on you, you are not giving birth naturally. therefore the pain is worse. end of story. when u fuck with mother nature she fucks with you right back. so know that when you go to have that baby...do whatever u can to have that baby on your own (as a diabetic it just wasn't possible to go as long as jenny did) with no intervention. unless there are complications, of course. but if u are healthy, the baby is healthy...just wait. it will come.


the epidural
did i mention that i still had not slept at all? yeah, so sometime around noon maybe? on thursday i was in tremendous pain and asked for the epidural. i was hoping that it would relax me enough and take away the pain enough so that i could go to sleep. so the anesthesiologist came in with a needle the size of my arm and told me to be still as he inserted it into my spine. internal guffaw was he kidding? be still? how still? every 3 minutes or so the pain would be so intense that i couldn't be still. it became a game for us all. he would sit there looking like he was dealing with a 7 year old at the dentist's office as my contractions came and went and i just prayed that i could be still for the 2 minutes he needed to put that motherfucker in my spine. tears..always tears streaming down my face. in all honesty i do not remember the pain of the needle b/c the pain in my uterus was way worse. but..as soon as that thing did it's thing...no more pain. but let me tell you...the feeling..or should i say lack of feeling in your legs is the weirdest physical experience i have ever had. you just can't feel your legs. your brain says i want to move my legs and you can move your legs you just can't feel them. which essentially makes them impossible to move. farting? pooping? can't feel it happening...more on that later..
there is a phenomenon that happens with the epidural for some people and that is extreme shaking. like if you had been out on a north pole expedition and you got locked out of your tent naked all night long and were partially frozen shaking. that happened to me. it was awful. teeth shattering crazy fucking shaking= no sleep. but at least the contractions were gone.

let's recap...wed. evening around 6:00 was the last time i ate anything or drank anything. thursday morning started having mild contractions...manageable even. where for a split second i was all...this is nothing..like period cramps! then sometime in the afternoon the wrecker ball contractions started happening and i was all...are u fucking kidding me with this bullshit? please give me the GD epidural. no sleep, no food, no water. i felt like i might die. dramatic but very very true. this is when all time started to standstill and i drifted into crazy jacobs ladder type hallucinations.

active labor
sometime thursday evening? the middle of the night? no idea here...i was told i was finally dilated enough to start pushing. this was good news. wasn't it? wait..why is there a fish standing in the corner smoking a cigar and giving me the finger? oh...no one sees that but me.
so i started to push. and push. and push. for so many hours. and here is the bit about the pooping. ok, so when you first get to the hospital you might be a little shy about being naked with your hairy (lets face it the last few months of pregnancy there is no grooming going on down there) birth cannon hanging out for all who enter the room to see. but by day 3 trust me when i say you could care less. after about 10 different nurses came in and had there hands all up inside me and i pooped so many times during the pushing- awesome really bc you smell something and are all..who farted? and then you realize it's you! you can't feel anything waist down. but everyone is all cool about it. they just quietly clean it up and throw it away. gross i know but it is what it is. although i honestly don't see how my husband could ever get those passionate feelings for me ever again after watching poop come out of my butt. or a vagina that looked probably like someone had chopped it up with ginsu knives. but he did, does...bless him.

ok, so after all those hours of pushing the fruits of my labor (pun intended) weren't panning out. so finally in walks the doctor for the first time ever! and says..either you go in for a c-section now or i pull with forceps. apparently there was a lot of stress on the baby b/c i was under so much stress. i think there were whispers of "we might lose the mother if we keep this up". i said, forceps first then c-section. well, i am sure it sounded like this: "hfuoyuopqiuehtqeu beoufhoq;ei qihr qhfnouhoe".

delivery
in all honestly i was so relieved when doctor said forceps. it was like a little metal leprechaun was going to move into my vagina and pull the baby out for me. no more work for me!!! hooray, a thousand times HOORAY!!! after about 10 minutes there were some concerned glances and silence. not only were her shoulders coming out straight on but the cord appeared to wrapped around her neck. i think they were more concerned about her shoulders. why? hmmm...that's weird and then i heard the 'pop'. an undeniable pop. thank christ i couldn't feel anything. that pop was my vagina and about 4 inches of flesh connecting it to my butthole. you see, when you give birth you are more than likely to tear a little bit and a great nurse/doula/midwife will massage that area and make it all pliable and shit. as a diabetic no doula/midwife was given to me even though i asked, so i did not have a pliable vagina..but in my vagina's defense my baby's shoulders would have torn the most relaxed vagina on the planet. see babies turn on their way out. so their shoulders are more curved. mine came out like a linebacker making an offensive play.
so she came out all beautiful and quiet. this was a concern but the doctor reassured me she was fine. but i wasn't so sure. the cord was wrapped around her but they fixed that right away. all i know is before i even wanted to see my child i wanted a glass of water. i was begging in the quietest voice imaginable for water. once i felt quenched it was back to the child. once i heard her cry i was relieved. happy. alive again. but i was stuck..on that table for 2 more hours!!! i had 4th degree tears. i think there are 4 degrees total. which essentially means the tears went so far up that stiches (2 hours worth) were required. ladies...please....massage your vagina...get a midwife!

recovery
this is the part no one tells you about! what happens to you after you get home. first of all i had to pee thru a catheter while at the hospital for the remainder of my stay. i was constipated from all the junk (drugs) in my system, no food, no water etc..plus the stitches were in my butthole, making pooping ridiculous if not impossible. imagine having the feeling that you are about to diarrhea all over the place but someone has sewn your butthole shut. that's all i'll say on that subject b/c it's too gross even for me!
in fact i'll just give you a checklist of what you can expect:
crazy raging hormones like someone has killed your best friend (now this is also known as post partum, mine was very mild and short lived, others are not so lucky)- CHECK!
complete frustration as to how in the fuck breastfeeding will ever work-CHECK! (hang in there, get help, call a lactation consultant..whatever it takes!)
yellow, sallow skin and melasma all over your face- CHECK!
hemorrhoids for days-CHECK!
still no sleep-CHECK!
your nether regions so sore it will feel like you have been gang banged every hour on the hour for a week straight. (not that i have any idea what that feels like but it has to be similar-tell me gayhooker would i be close?)-CHECK!

they say you forget the pain of childbirth over time. clearly i haven't. in fact it remains the primary reason fiona is an only child. if i weren't a diabetic and 40 years old i would for sure have another. but the hospital intervened too much resulting in a very dissatisfied experience.
this is not true for everyone. i know, i get it. this is my experience. but all too often i think women rely on epidurals, inductions, c-sections as time savers, etc...i think this is why jenny's experience was so wonderful. it just happened. the way nature intended. thus less pain, more joy.
if i were to do it all over again (minus the age and diabetes) i would labor at home with a midwife or a doula and we would decide when i needed to go to the hospital (home births are messy and if it's your first time- too scary). i would have a lactation consultant in the delivery room with me ready to go as soon as that baby popped out (barring any complications of course) and then i would ask for a sleeping pill and i would sleep for 8+ hours (waking only to feed) while grandma's took care of the little one. yep. that's the best way i feel. then go home and commence motherhood forever.

there is more that happened in terms of hospital rules vs. me that i would be glad to go into with anyone who was curious via email. and if jenny is reading this please know that i think your home birth was amazing and i am super jealous of that. i couldn't even hold fiona for the first day of her life b/c i was too weak and sick. i will never have that back either. granted, she ...SHE was healthy, strong and happy. it was me that was a fucking mess.

and today she is 5. happy birthday my little angel. i love you more than anything in this entire world. you taught me unconditional love. what it means to love fully no matter what. and i would do it all again.


art by frida kahlo

50 comments:

jennifer said...

so many things this makes me want to say, but, no. It's way to early to cry.
Congratulations on 5 years of motherhood!! You did it!!!

gayhooker said...

This is why God made me gay...

gayhooker said...

oh, and as far as the gang banging goes, i'll let you know after tonight as i'm booked solid...

melifaif said...

Oh my God. (And I never say the g-word! It's usually gosh!) But, Oh.My.God. I cannot even finish reading this because I am at work and laughing too hard. Seriously just about fell out of my chair. While I was reading, I felt like I could be writing this...I knew I had a fucking twin out there...ha! And then, to come and comment and read "This is why god made me Gay!" from Gayhooker, seriously was the cherry on top. Thanks for the ab work out. I need it. Because, you know. That baby weight just didn't slide right off. Like Angelina's anorexic ass! Hilarious. Have a rockin' fuckin' new year!

court. said...

shit...um...yeah...well...wow.

Belle de Ville said...

I would send a link to this post to my daughter, but I'm afraid that she would never have kids. Wow.
Then again I've also told her to only have a C section....screw the natural no drugs/ no epidural that I went through for her and her brother.

Alana said...

This was so great- had me laughing and crying. I can so relate. Childbirth and postpartum were a NIGHTMARE- But yes, positively worth it in the end. I keep wanting to have a second child but I shudder in horror with the memories. Thank you, as always for TELLING IT LIKE IT IS!

boops said...

happy birthday fiona! you have an awesome mom!

notwithstanding the joy that children bring, i knew my decision not to have a baby is the right one for me. aside from making the life-long commitment, the trauma of child birth would send me over the edge. dear god in heaven!

DoxaHome.com said...

Horrifying and hysterical all at the same time...and that's not easy to pull off. I have a feeling I will be pulling an Angelia and making a lil visit to a developing country and select one, all ready to go with a little bow and everything;) Gay Hooker....friggin hilarious, the name alone makes me grin;)

Happy New Year and Congratulations on your angels Bday!

Jaime

Sharon said...

Ditto from me on my experience plus I couldn't breathe while I was pushing and I had PAINFUL broken tailbone after the delivery. The tailbone pain lasted for 1 solid year.

Thanks for telling it like it is.

ILovePersimmons said...

I've been "lurking" on this blog forever relishing all the design stuff, but this post made me HAVE to chime in. I can't belive how hilariously described your birth story is and it's so similar to mine. Except while I was pushing and pooping I was also puking into a little pan held by my husband. What do you know, I just found out I'm 6 weeks pregnant! Here we go again! I love your blog -- you really fucking crack me up. :)

Erin said...

I was induced at 37 weeks because of some complications, and OMG THE PAIN. Not bad at first? Agreed. Got the epidural after endless hours of swift but ultimately fruitless contractions? Check. PAIN PAIN OH GOD PAIN when the epidural wore off? Uh, yeah. At that point I didn't have contractions, I had CONTRACTION! One giant contraction that never went away until I started pushing. So yeah.

And I agree, Jenny's story is incredible and beautiful and not a little mind-boggling. I mean, she DELIVERED her BABY on an OTTOMAN. Oh to be so blessed!

Joanna said...

Thanks for telling it like it is. I have three childeren. My first was natural labor and the other two were induced. And nobody tells you about the after birth experience. That doctor pounded on my uteris to make sure it was contracting. It hurt like hell.

Jenny Brewer said...

thanks for being so honest about the whole experience! and happy birthday to Miss Fiona!

I just watched a whole documentary on going back to natural childbirth, rikki lake was in it, it made me want to go the doula route, too. someday...

Chedva Kleinhandler said...

thanks for saying it like that. i also had a shitty pregnancy and recovery (don't even get me started on the labor). because of a doctor's mistake i had to have a catheter for 30 days and it was the worse time of my life.happy bday to fiona!

Dad said...

Video at 10!

Ivy said...

That was an awesome read. Well written and totally hilarious.
I am a mom of 4. 2 single natural no drug births, twins with an epidural b/c I was told I had to (thank you jesus).
Your story was so easy to understand and relate to. Everyone that is a mom should read this... EVERYONE!
Cheers~Ivy

sketch42 said...

Honey-- Thats my middle name too (as you may now know)

Ok... I had a very very similar experience!! First off I was in Labor for 3 days before I went to the hospital.. then i had pitocen, then i got epidural cause they told me I might be there for 12 hours or more... i was shaking, throwing up, couldnt breath, one side numb, one not, and I STILL FELT PAIN IN MY BACK.. oh and my whole family was just chilling out gossiping. it goes on and on... finally 13 hours after being checked inI start pushing. then I hear the words c section. the blood pressure is dropping, clear the door. they bring in a huge man to do pile drives on my stomach.. literally pushing the baby out from above, the doc slits me from top to bottom and the baby comes out. she isnt crying, they take her to some table and i see her siting htere with her open eyes and I said, wow she is beautiful! (i forgot to tell you taht they brought me a mirror to help me push, it looks like a sumo wrestler is giving birth thats how big it gets)

then the doc pulls out the placenta, stiches me up for what feels like hours and i can feel the needle going in and out.

then my husbands whole entire family strolls in, is passing my baby around like a hot potato and i am sitting there passed out like lindsey lohan with my vag hanging out and everyone taking pics of me.

Now, when I got home, they sent me home without percocets, but i was in so much pain that i had to call the doc to her house to get my some pills!!! i was in agony... worst pain of my life. I will never EVER forget it. and when i think about having another baby my stomach hurts.

I nursed for 11 months... i went into the hospital at 153, (i normally weigh 118) and left at 153 from being so filled with fluid (the baby weighed 6 14) I lost like 10-15 pounds in the next two months, but i didnt even come close to looking normal until i quit breastfeeding.

so that could be what kept you fat for so long.

Kris said...

Thank you so much for sharing your birth story with us, it was amazing. I just makes me feel proud to be a woman and a mom -- just remembering how much I had to endure, but knowing that somehow I did it. I told my husband once that after going through birth and getting through the first year of my son's life, I feel like I can do ANYTHING. Happy B-day Fiona and thanks again! Happy New Year's! Kris

Anonymous said...

I have three kids - 2 with no drugs, just popped them babies right out. The third, oh the third, I had to be induced because my water broke, but I had no contractions, I still went 'all natural' other than the pitocin to kick up the contractions. .She is about to be two, and to this day, when I think about the the Three P's: puking, poopin' & pain, I want to pass out. Will there be a 4th? Perhaps. Will there be an epidural? Hell, yes!
I did have doula with my third, this is the way to go if you are trying for a drug free birth.
Whew!

The Townhouselady said...

I love you. I knew you'd tell it from the mountain.

Being that my pregnancy has and continues to be tantamount to torture I hold no hope that the delivery will be smooth sailing.

Cross your fingers for me as March 20th (D-Day) looms ever closer.

Not for nothing my MIL has offered to bring in some extra drugs (from her private stash) if the ones they're providing aren't strong enough for me. Gotta love that woman!

Jenny said...

Jenny, this is awesome! I love that you're telling it like it is! I'm thinking about adding a post script to Evie's birth story, telling how long and hard my first two labor/deliveries were.

I totally agree with you about doing everything you can to avoid getting induced. I was induced with my second and it was a complete nightmare. It sucks to wait for real labor at the end of a long pregnancy, when you feel like a whale. If we have a fourth baby though, I will wait again for the real labor to ensue (shooting for less than an hour next time). Maybe delivery on a hand-forged love seat or something?

Happy birthday, Fiona!!

Erin said...

My vag just shriveled up a little bit. Birthcontrol CHECK!

K.C. said...

I've heard bits and pieces of similar stories but never in one person's whole experience. I feel like I'm going to puke. All I keep seeing in my mind is the word POP! Thank you for reaffirming my fear of being pregnant b/c I'll die during child birth. Happy New Year to me!

(and Happy 5 day to your pretty girl!)

Melanie said...

This goes down as one of my favourite birthin' stories of all time. I love that you're honest about our wee loin fruits changing our bodies; I have a permanently disfigured rib (it sticks out so much that I look like I have another boob under my boob when viewed from the right angle) as the result of both my sprogs shoving their asses into it through their last trimesters. And you are so right about hospital rules frustration. Your experience sounds so much like my sister's, but she had me there ready to rip heads off at anyone trying to undermine her choices.

So yeah. Wonderful. And a happy birthday to your mad (we're all mad, take it as a compliment) capricorn daughter. Glad there's another gracing this mortal coil.

mb said...

Oh I am so glad that I am going through menopause. I have done the birthing thing three times. I have three beautiful adult daughters. OK, the moon and stars were align for each delivery... luck of the draw. No drugs, a nurse who trained birthing in the outback in Australia... really. Oh, and a husband and a doctor. Holy crow. All I wanted the doctor to do was catch the babies. And she did. Three time. My teeth chattered too without andy drugs... go figure.

Your experience is real life for so many births. Births most often are just not a bunch of fun... mine were a bunch of fun either, it should stand as a scared straight program for those not wanting to be be pregnant.

Happy birthday to Fiona. Five in so fine.

Happy New Year.

mb said...

I had a couple of typos.

I meant to say, my were not a bunch of fun either.

I also wanted to say that my teeth chattered without any drugs.

Happy New Year.

hangar wench said...

love your blog ... first comment.

wow. no babies from my woohoo and i'm tempted to never fuck again. ever.

brynalexandra said...

omg I am so so so happy. you have no idea! In fact, I'm not going to read this post until I can sit down in a quiet room and read it with my undivided attention. Only then will I be able to completely comprehend your totally unfiltered awesomeness. THANK YOU! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

nkp said...

Yep, that about covers it. I've done it thrice and the first two times my doctor didn't make it, bastard. Obviously, he was fired before the third go around. But they did, literally, pull a midwife out of the hall both times and the babies made their way out, one way or another, as they are apt to do. Just ask Jenny. ;0). Baby number two was actually born without me getting as much as an I.V. or signing a consent form. He was born within an hour and a half of my water breaking. Completely au naturale. With number three I made sure Mr. Anesthesia had me first on the list and my ob/gyn was waiting outside the door. Would I do it again? Hellz yeah!

Happy Birthday sweetest Fiona. You are so lucky to have such a rockin' mama!

The Blasphemous Fiendess said...

Oh my f'n gawd! I could write such a similar story. I'm not diabetic, but I went from 140 lbs to 190lbs and my son was breach-turned late but ended up posterior. He was a forceps delivery after a long labour and hours of pushing (about 6-thankfully I didn't know any better). I tore badly-wrecked sphincter muscle and oh yes-the breastfeeing:baby did not learn to latch on very well and i had bleeding scabby nipples for weeks. We just closed all the blinds and I went shirtless most of the time trying to let them heal. I have a lovely son-but fifteen years later my story is quite fresh in my mind.

aquirkydelight said...

THAT was fucking terrifying. I will be giving out printouts of this story and 36 packs of Trojans as birthday gifts for all of 2010.

And a very happy birthday to Fiona.

Tamstyles said...

happy birthday to mini...and ummm excuse me but...HOW ABOUT YOUR GIRL HAD A 8 LB 2 OZ GIRL AND THEN A 8 LB 9 OZ BOY...NOT ONE TEAR IN MY VAJAY JAY...DR SAID I WAS MADE FOR HAVING BABIES. DAMN STRETCH MARKS PROVE IT...BUT FOR REAL I DONT KNOW HOW I ENDED UP WITH NO DAMN TEARS. I AM 5'1 WITH THOSE BIG ASS BABIES....

gayhooker said...

Wouldn't it be easier just to get a baby off the black market? Just asking for a friend...

MyLittleHappyPlace said...

I knew I was lucky with my labor/delivery with Avery, but until now, I didn't realize just HOW fortunate.
I had the most kick-ass midwife/nurse practitioner a woman could ask for in NC, and I'm scared shitless to deliver this second kiddo without her, in TX. I've discussed with my concerns w/ my OB, but didn't get the real warm-fuzzies from her about natural labor, vaginal massage, etc which absolutely saved me with Avery. Guess we'll see...

If Fiona doesn't realize what an amazing Mom she has, one day, she certainly will.

Happy New Year, mi amiga!!

ALL THE BEST said...

Fabulous post!! I can sooo relate! I too was almost 200 pounds when I gave birth and there was NOTHING easy about my pregnancy or labor (hence the reason we have one child!)

However, I would do it all a million times over to have our son. It's an amazing experience. I felt as if I could do ANYTHING after giving birth!!! Of course, unconditional love is the best gift of all. Happy New Year!

Anonymous said...

I'll take the story about little Evie's birth any day over the gaudy pictures of Joni Webb's family. Just can't handle those redneck photos she posted. Would anyone actually employ this Cote de Texas after her Christmas post.

Sarah @ Maison Boheme said...

I love hearing birth stories - all of them. Isn't it crazy that after all that nutty messy insanity of hospitals and freaky interventions and doctor bull you get FIONA - the amazing Fiona? As a doula, I've been at 20 or so births this last year and they are all so different and totally amazing. So I definitely second your motion for hiring midwives and doulas! Thanks for sharing Jenny!

fric and frac said...

What a story! Thanks for sharing the gritty details! I was so enthralled with your story - and then the fish in the corner smoking a cigar caught me by surprise! I laughed out loud histerically! That's some good writing! Happy New Year and Happy Birthday to Fiona!

Peck Avenue said...

holy crap, bless you and every other crazy woman who pops a human out of their cooch. not only was this post hilarious, it is the best birth control ever, so thanks for that. i just sent it to my pregnant sister, though. i anticipate an angry/tear filled phone call from her later.

micah @ the yellow front door said...

OMG---I don't think I can ever have a baby! That is TERRIFYING!! I couldn't even read the whole thing, it was making me nauseous.

Happy birthday Fiona!

Martinis or Diaper Genies? said...

jesus fucking christ on the cross.
kill me now really.

What the f am I going to do?? My family has a history of late births, I'm scared of pain like woah scared and I am not going through what you went through. I'll hire a surrogate first.

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Tiina said...

i love you jenny girl!

/"dear my brand new man, let's not hump for a while"

Punkinhead said...

I had one in the hospital, was treated like an uneducated moron by the doctors because I didn't have insurance, even though I went to the public health clinic and took my prenatal vitamins religiously throughout the pregnancy. Since that experience pissed me off, the second was born at home with a midwife. The third was SUPPOSED to be born at home, but he was breech... the little bugger. Since my local medical "professionals" think midwives are on the same level as voodoo priestesses who read bones and drink fire water, we drove 2 hours away to have a C-section in a hospital whose head of OB was a midwife before becoming an MD. It was fantastic, even with the epidural. :)

Great story lady - thanks for sharing.

Kel and Jame said...

hahahah. this is great. the first thing i thought of when i was done is.... i am never going through this again. Thank god for IUDs.

Suz said...

That was amazing of you to share this story. So honest. Scares the crap out of me.
PS you look amazing for 40!

Gina said...

Great story, but I am nauseous. Seriously, I might vom. I am adopting. You can feel proud of yourself because you have just saved some child from a life in foster homes.

Katie said...

OMG. I think I'm going to throw up (the tearing, oh god, the tearing).

Thanks for the honesty though. I read Jenny's story and I was like awwwwwww, how touching. But I NEEDED to read your story. NOBODY TELLS YOU THIS SHIT!

Srsly, the hubby and I have been debating having children and this is adding a biiiiiggggggg ole tally mark to the "no" column.

However... should we ever decide to have one anyway, I'll def email you for your hospital rules part of the story... since you don't hold back punches. Thnx

erin@designcrisis said...

My ferocious and precocious babe turns 8 months old on Sunday, and the memory of his birth is still unfortunately clear...

FUCK YOU, PITOCIN! Is about all I have to say.

Very funny, and more than a little poignant. I like your tender side.

naapcorp said...

Love the picture, and your story is sad/funny at the same time. Thanks!