Wednesday, December 16, 2009

designtard graduate school

well hgtv have released their design monkeys (not you boss..you're too cute to be a monkey..unless you're a finger monkey) on yet another uninspiring dream home. first off i am not a fan of the southwest architecture. not because it's ug, bc i don't go for that sort of adobe modern barren landscape sort of thing. i'm a tree girl, deciduous tree girl and lots of them everywhere and i like houses with a sloped roof...BUT i can appreciate good design. and this house is pretty predictable. there are some good bits and i will tell you what they are (yes, tell you)...

certainly you cannot argue with the view. it is sweeping. even with it's lack of trees. and bushes are NOT trees.


this is a lovely entrance. pleased that they chose the warm white.


the cork walls are cool. and that's where it starts and ends.




this might be my favorite bit. they have this labeled as a meditation room/exercise room. it is very peaceful, from what i can tell. i would not meditate in it though unless you call drinking an entire bottle of wine meditating. and i would not exercise in it unless you call sitting in that chair and warming yourself by the fire exercise.


meh...



barf:
and the funny thing is i KNOW this appeals to a lot of people. much in the same way "tuscan" appeals to a lot of people. probably the same people. poor bastards.
this must be some sort of butler's pantry or something. it's ok, but the styling is so boring. in fact i ultimately believe that a better stylist could have taken every single room in this house to another level. stupid 3 plants.
here is the master bath...it's ok. just hating the tub. it seems to me with all of that money they could have afforded something a little more original. like this. and yes, i see that you can access the tub from the bathroom AND the bedroom. big fucking deal. just more hgtv gimmicks at play. i would have rather had a better tub.



here is the master suite:
the view is saving my life here b/c without it i would most likely commit suicide if i had to stay in this room. way to go design team! was it on purpose that the wall to wall carpet matches the bedding?? wow! that's awesome. were you drawing on the sand for inspiration?
here are the kids rooms/guest room.
this one has a few moments but really nothing spectacular:
this one isn't bad either..but it's a kids room and it is very hgtv. you know it was killing them that there is no theme...so there was probably some compromise with the design team and whoever else is responsible with the toy story crap everywhere. srsly! i have a kid and even her in all her beautiful almost 5 year old wisdom would say.."mommy?? why is there so many care bears everywhere?!" exactly fiona, exactly!

here's one of the guest suites inspired by boutique hotels. inspired is a lofty word for what this room is. it looks like a cheap hotel and i am SURE it was no where near cheap to achieve. sad really. who puts tiles behind a bead? stupid people that's who. this room already looks dated. fuck you room! yes, that IS a shower right next to the bed. well that explains the tile. what if you were sharing a room with grandpa and trying to nurse a hangover in that bed ..while grandpa was in the shower? old saggy balls is what.


at least the febreeze luminary will cover the smell of your throw up...oh wait..IT smells like throw up.
was there ever a more hotel looking vignette? stupid 3 vases of flowers. stupid coral walls. was it the sunset that inspired this palette? opposite of awesome.


nothing says cozy guest room like a tv mounted in the corner...i know i know..you can watch it from anywhere!!!
whoever is responsible for this needs to be caned. have you anything to add?

46 comments:

Krysta said...

Possibly the best line you have ever written: "fuck you room!" Made me laugh out loud at my desk.

court. said...

I'm going to have to bite my tongue on this one...ok, no I'm not.

First, compliments-in the first few images, they did a great job 'warming up' a boring, cold, modern adobe nighmare. It could have gone the tera cotta tile/rag-rolled southwestern deally-o but they did not. kudos.

That's where it stops. Tile in the bedroom? Convoluted color schemes? The floating cabinetry in the kitchen??

What they SHOULD have done with that kitchen is do low counters in a U-shape and rocked the hell out of that slate wall (pun intended). The cabinets break the whole thing up. Nobody needs that much storage and it jepordizes the height of the room.

The bedrooms are an overstyled mess. Too much money, not enough editing.

AppleTree said...

seriously? a febreeze luminary? are you fucking serious? I am canceling my cable tv in protest.

Sharon said...

I almost spit coffee onto my laptop with the Grandpa / shower comment. The image in my mind was beyond funny!!! Is this house in New Mexico? I LOVE NM. Love, love, love it! It is my favorite state in the whole Union. If I was ever so lucky to own a house there I would be perplexed in deciding on a design style since, like you, southwestern isn't my usual choice. One thing for sure, I wouldn't have a Grandpa hangover bedroom / shower combo!

sketch42 said...

Terrible.... seriously, that barfy orange color they have everywhere: so HGTV, scary. I really think you could name a whole design style "HGTV" style... its like bad paint colors, trying to disguise terrible design ideas and shitty furniture.

Kate said...

the shower/bed combo is just stupid. someone was trying way too hard with that one ...

Alana said...

wow, that tv in the corner is really, really sad. they have to be kidding. it screams gross motel.

you make me laugh!

MyLittleHappyPlace said...

Nope. You covered it. I DO love the entrance, too.... glass doors do it for me every time - Well, of course not any of that frosted, etched, or leaded crap. You know what I mean.
Cheers to another great hgtv assessment!

jennifer said...

guest room reminds me of the "birthing suite" at the hospital where my daughter was born. Put a monitor cart in there and, voila!

LindsB said...

THe only room I like is the cork wall room- oh and the room with the plaid rug and black bed, but thats the only think I like in that room- the rug and the bed

boops said...

dream house? that dream would put me to sleep!

Joanna said...

I can't believe they put a bedroom in the bathroom! I almost ralphed in my coffee.
And the febreeze candle thing...
have they no shame?

Anita Davis said...

the good: the entry and the cork room, and the chandelier in the master
the bad: shower in the bedroom, tub in the bedroom floor
the ugly: that hideous orangy/brown wall color. i hate that color. and all the bedding in every room would have to hit the road.

laurelstreet said...

This post woke me up better than coffee. A funny, funny treat for me this morning.

Some of that stuff is so tragic we'll have to get some Germans to invent a word for it.

Rachel said...

Right on! Hilarious and right on!

Entry, cork room, and that one patio overlooking the sweeping view.... those were nice. I also loved that dark plaid rug.

Other than that, not a big fan. I hate the Southwest look, and I'm not a big fan of the desert. The view's kind of pretty, but if I got to choose, I'd pick trees and lakes and rivers!
(Incidentally, this is kind of what the Lubbock area looks like (only not as pretty)... Chris can't understand why I wouldn't want to live out there...gee...)

I think the only place I've been where this type of look was kind of nice was Cabo San Lucas - lots of this type of architecture, and it's not as lush as Cancun. BUT - you also had some low mountains AND THE OCEAN! (And good drinks!)

Anyhow, to sum up this super-long comment:
This isn't really my style. And really, who wants to sleep in a bathroom?? Unless you're drunk or sick (or both), please leave bathtubs and showers in their own rooms. Thanks.

Rachel said...

Oh, and I forgot to add... lots of those "bushes" are trees!!! Ha!! They just don't naturally grow as tall or lush because of the lack of water and the winds.

Tiina said...

Nope, nothing to add. Or yes, what else IS meditating than drinking a bottle whatever and levitating along the walls? good girl jenny, job well done again!

Colette's Cottage said...

Guess what- HGTV has just announced that 'My Favorite and My Best' has won a week's vacation at this house! The only stipulation is that you MUST stay in the room with the shower. Different old men will be showering in there every day to wake you up. First up, Larry King.

Kara said...

The bedrooms were horrible! Old saggy balls indeed!

nkp said...

Seriously, an Oscar worthy narrative. Anything else to say? I think not. You pretty much covered it all from febreeze to old saggy balls, blech!

Martinis or Diaper Genies? said...

TUSCAN IS BARF. You'll need those glade boxy vagina boxes everywhere.

R said...

STOP!

You're making milk come out my nose!

hishouse;herhelp. said...

you are cracking me up! i HATE HATE HATE (there isn't enough space for all the hate) TUSCAN design. You said it girl! And the previous commenter is right, that guest room does have a hospital room feel to it. I think it's the headboard.

robyncal said...

Ok - I am sicker then a dog and you made me crack up, MANY times.
thanks for that!!!

Paisley said...

You said it right. A stylist could do a better job and probably for a lot less money!

Also, maybe Fiona should decorate their next dream home. She would do a better job.

Dad said...

As your daughter's grandpa I take exception to your chauvinistic aspersions on behalf of grandpa's everywhere. I'll have you know....oh never mind.

laurencorbyn said...

Um, Dad's hysterical. Senses of humor must be hereditary.

Such an unfortunate house. Whoever wins will have ot have a huge furniture sale and buy all new. My mother in law lives in NM, and her house is fantastic! Perfect mix of southwestern and not.

This house just feels so impersonal and cold.

gayhooker said...

My clientele would go nuts for a shower/bed combo.

In and out.

Julia said...

Your analysis was hilaaarious and spot-on, per usual - The saddest thing is that there is so much potential there, as we can see from the first few pics. Maybe whoever styled it has a repressed hatred for southwestern style also...but yes, let's cane some sense into them!

Lauren said...

hahahah love u!!!

def agree that a new stykist coukd have done a lot... i think what drives me craziest is i don't understand why tv decorating can't be better!!!! they have the budget & there are certainly a lot of talented ppl out there... there's just never any "mixing" in the designs.. like the colors are never really beautiful. they're almost cartoony... the textures are all so similar...ok that's so not making sense but let me try again... everything is so obvious & forced in a way. trying so hard to be original that it just gets cheeseballed. eh anyway you know what i mean. and what kills me most is that this is what the avg american thinks is good design & it KILLS me!!!!

xoxoo

Adrianne said...

devoid of personality and originality... totally hotel like... you called it!

Dagny @ Beautiful Living said...

LOL! Agree on all counts!!

Room Service ~ Decorating 101 said...

hahaha

Sarah @ Maison Boheme said...

You know that the producers were like, "Hey, you can do design whatever bullshit house you want, but you have to fit in something from our sponser, Febreeze"

ashley morgan said...

Hilarious!

pegr said...

This is a dream home?!?!? It looks like it came out of the 70's.( I know I was there.) Why can"t HGTV bring back shows like Debbie Travis. I really wonder who they think is gonna watch The Antonio show UGH!

The Townhouselady said...

Hell to the nizzo on the guest room!! We stayed in one of those rooms at the MGM and it was just a small piece of frosted glass between me and my husband's 'refuse'. Good thing I know him intimately.

Call me crazy but, I like privacy in a bathroom.

FROM THE RIGHT BANK said...

Old soggy balls - oh my God, you kill me. And seriously, what is with that Fabreeze thing? Every time I see the commercial for it, I spaz out. Oh and sadly, I think my new tub looks like the one in the master bath. My first reaction was "oh why oh why not a freestanding one?" Thanks, Jenny, this post made my whole afternoon.

Kitty said...

Motherless Christ at Christmas! I hate people with more money than taste. What fucktard thought "I'll just go out into the desert and swath the place in white upholstery. It will detract from all the dirt and scorpion shit!" And I want to stomp on that febreeze thing. Every scent available smells like dog turds covered by a fabric softener sheet. Better off to just smell the shit than schmutz up a tabletop!

Jane said...

oh dear this post made me laugh. As my mother says ' there is no accounting for tastes'. Mind you, there is a lot to laugh at in some of the interior decoration in the States (did I just say that?). If I want a laugh I just flick through a copy of Architectural Digest in the newsagents. Even though most of it is completely gross at least they are TRYING with texture and colour. In Australia, interior decoration can be very very cream and bland and white xoxo

The Countess of Nassau County said...

Oh dear God I adore you.

The kitchen, Lord almighty. I feel like the kitchen dept. manager at Lowe's designed that? The upper cabinets are so wrong for the space. They just hang there like....like....wait for it....Grandpa's balls!!

Kitty said...

the countess said "it hung like grandpa's balls!!!" i just gave you an oscar and a pulitzer!

susan said so said...

"stupid 3 plants."

i could kiss you right now!

xox,
Susan

Annie@A View On Design said...

despite what most people are saying here, I don't mind most of the rooms, I know what you mean about these tv shows producing poor work (considering their budget etc), I can never get over some of the work produced on that show Design Star! It just shocks me most of the time, but this place, not too bad to me...

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Philip said...

This place is so cool for vacation, I think there's no more to add in your place.

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