Wednesday, February 10, 2010

we are a hard crowd to please..

so i will say this up front. this was better. lonny is like a 17 year old boy trying to hit the g spot of his much MUCH older girlfriend. the girlfriend being us. the g spot being....domino.
there were some hits..not many misses i'd say. in fact i loved something about every place. but i never had a full on orgasm. keep trying though, your bound to hit it sooner or later.
here are my thoughts.

there was the KW hotel. big deal. if i were to walk in there i would probably comment on how it looks like kelly wearstler threw up in here:

yeah yeah yeah...signature style hollywood glamour meets modern blah blah..more like freaky hieroglyphics from planet ugly. it already looks dated. next...


lizzie bailey's place was refreshing in that it was a shitty rental that she made her own...
i can appreciate a woman who does little to change the fixtures but instead chooses to put up gorgeous wallpaper. even if she decided against cleaning the grout. martha is not pleased.


then this guy...
try to look past the poser hair and child molester moustache. his place was sexy. although i don't like when people stack their books into towers. how do you get the 10th book down without a hassle? fuck you book tower.

his kitchen was my fave..i love the farrow and ball Hairy Vagina's wallpaper.


this place was too goddamn bright for me. i can't take all those bright colors. i just can't take it.


i did enjoy this portion of it though..those windows are killing me...


the belgian place was on the opposite color spectrum.. here are some shorty book towers..this doesn't create as much of a hassle..but still it would take effort to grab the bottom book and for that i say FUCK YOU TOO SHORTY BOOK TOWERS!!

so far i am hearing that everyone LOOOOOVES this place...

it seems a little cold to me..too drab. maybe a flower somewhere would have helped it's cause. plus i think the whole place looks like restoration hardware pooped in it.

then there were the sisters...2 sisters-2 apartments. similar styles. didn't domino do something like this? fuck, i don't know..i don't read the articles...i'm just there to rub one out while i look at hot rooms..
this was a standout for me. sucker for good wallpaper anywhere but really juiced by it in a small space...can you see my lady juice dripping from the wall??

from the other sister..

so...well...good. will go back for more where as issue number 2 i have not gone back once to look. issue number one is burned into my cerebral cortex.
in summary:
KW is a lunatic
moustaches and greasy hair is not hot
fuck cleaning your tiles' grout just put up good wallpaper and stuff
every place, a mini bar
book towers are not of any use to people with hands
belgian decor is the new pottery barn
wallpaper still makes me ever so happy
michelle adams most likely hates me
but eddie ross made me his friend on facebook

all images patrick cline for lonny

56 comments:

High-Heeled Foot in the door said...

Dying over here. You are right on with your comments!

I was so thinking the exact same thing with those bathroom tiles. It was driving me nutty!

Susan said...

I love your dirty, filthy mouth. The lady juice comment made me want to take you out to a nice lobster dinner. (But not too nice. Think Red Lobster. With a coupon.)

Susan @ www.peanutpetunia.blogspot.com

ticklishfromadistance said...

Oy. One more book tower and I swear I will blow. Who the hell puts forty books in a tower and seashells on top? Isn't this supposed to be new as in, ideas? Crap.

Lisa said...

Your're funny...

Raina Cox said...

Christ. So much better than my Lonny commentary.

boops said...

ok, so at this point, i haven't leafed through lonny yet, and though i've only read the first paragraph of your post....i already thing you're fucking brilliant!

MyLittleHappyPlace said...

Can't believe they featured books stacked on the floor, when I'm wracking my brain trying to figure out what to do with ours - in the meantime, all our spiders and such are making them their home.

P.S. - Can I admit that I just can't seem to catch onto the Lonny thing? I always enjoy the images (after reading every other blogger's assessment) but I just want a freakin' PAPER magazine!!!

Duel Living said...

I just want to know where these people bought the shit in their places. Who made the Wallpaper with your lady juice all over it? Where did the shit in the pooped on REstoration Hardware room really come from?
I thought that quite a few of the rooms were reaching a bit much.
Kelly Wearstler...I fucking hate "your" style. That hotel looked like lint in my husband's navel...cept I'd rather live with the lint that with anything that you "designed". Get a life.

Sit. Relax. Gossip. said...

No joke about the omnipresent mini bars. Am I the ONLY person without Pimm's in my house?

AppleTree said...

You nailed it. My fave was the closet with the acrylic shoe shelves and the tin framed mirror.

my favorite and my best said...

susan- nothing would make me feel more special than a discounted red lobster dinner. there is no sarcasm there. red lobster is fucking awesome.

lisa- thank you
raina- as if!!!
boops- thank you
sit relax gossip- pimms is for pussies.

Anita Davis said...

no. more. book towers.

Phil said...

OMG, I just discovered your blog recently and it is by far my favorite. I love the way you talk shit about EVERYONE!

You totally need to start your own t.v. show where you watch HGTV shows and we get to hear your rolling commentary along with it! Keep it up, we love it....

Anna said...

Here I am sick as a dog..with a snotty nose ( but no boogers in my pocket) and a voice that sounds like Mutley..and you go and make me laugh so much that I almost coughed up a lung...ahhhhhh sista..I love ya!

Anonymous said...

Not ONLY do I agree with every comment, and the recap, but I laughed myself silly.

Thanks. I needed that. - Holly

Anonymous said...

Oh shit . . . I was going to get that wallpaper for my hallway and now I don't know if I can given its new moniker . . . EWWWWWW!!

my favorite and my best said...

ummm..phil = new best friend. r u listening john gidding? you've got hgtv pull..get on that.

anna- boo on your cold. snot is better out than in...so keep laughing.

Susan said...

p.s I went to the lobster last week and snuck out two cheddar biscuits in my purse. True story.

Susan www.peanutpetunia.blogspot.com
mason@movin925.com

Debra said...

Don't underestimate the 17 year old with the older woman, my husband was going to bed with a more mature woman years ago, and when she climbed into bed she said to him "when you play with me your playing with fire". He turned to her and said "don't worry honey Smokey the Bear is getting into bed".

my favorite and my best said...

debra- is that like when my husband mike says to me with wiener in hand..."step up to the mike"?

Anonymous said...

Ryan - Mostly liked, Belgian - not bad for a weekender. The rest - complete nothingness and horrible mixture of colors. Prose - abysmal. Lonny, still not there. Seems to be going for the girly, pretty but tame as, kinda crowd. You know, OMG I'm getting married, having a baby, baking cookies, and now I'm an interior designer. There are endless blogs like that. Whereas MYFAB may also be all of that but with dirty-mouth aplomb!

Sister Wolf said...

The black chair with little antler thing above makes me want to shoot a hipster in the head. Just to put him out of his misery, of course.

Dumbwit Tellher said...

The nasty mustached designer looks like he is contemplating something immoral with your 17 yr. old young male. I loved his rooms (yes minus the dumbass towering stacks of books) but will never look at that kitchen wallpaper the same again. The Belgian look, well I'd feel like i was in that room to be punished. You know like being in a room with one light bulb hanging from the rafters.
4 out of 4 for your review Jenny dear x

Levon said...

Who the F is Lonny? I dont like Lonny whoever it is...i would go all anxiety attack if i had to sit in that small coffin like bathroom with that ugly ass wallpaper...or look at those piles of books and cds...

Celtic Rose said...

My shop counter/desk is right near my window. I am sure people passing think I am NUTSO when they see me 'cracking up' over your comments! Love love love those chairs.

Celtic Rose said...

I agree with Phil - get your ass on a show girl. You'd leave ChelseyLately for dead. Oh, and 5 books max in a stack and not on the floor!

Amy said...

I just started reading your blog like within the last month, but I'm hooked. I wish I knew you! I was getting tired of everyone blogging about this magazine this week, but your commentary made it all better. Keep it up!

domestikatedlife said...

agree. agree. omg farrow and ball wallpaper, you're right. And now that's all i'll ever be able to think about when I see that print.

And while I love the mini-bar, no one actually keeps FULL bottles out for display, at least make it real and pop the cap off that st. germain!

sketch42 said...

I love you. Because you are RIGHT. Right on everything.
In general though, my TOP complaint is the method of delivery. Doesnt this whole system bother THEM when they try to read it?

Margaret said...

if there is ONE thing that this issue of lonny made clear, it's that prissy little over-planned bars are done. they scream to me "i read domino" not "i have a glamorous fun life". if you really entertain that much why do you keep your mixers at room temp!?

Kitty said...

i fucking hate antlers on walls almost as much as i hate taxidermy. fuck 'em both. when my son was 2 his grandma took him to her big game hunting boyfriend's house. he cried when he saw a giant stuffed yellow bear and said "Oh no, Pooh!" and then proceeded to crack off one of the nails of a bear skin rug. my little eco-warrior!

Angie Muresan said...

Oh girl! You're something else! I agree with whoever suggested that you get your HGTV show. You'd totally rock it!

Anonymous said...

'i think the whole place looks like restoration hardware pooped in it.'

Pure priceless poetry to someone who has never understood the appeal of a room of Pottery Barn blandness, Crate and Barrel craptasticness, or Renovation redundancy. KW is obviously Alice in Wonderland down the rabbit hole, but you have to admit she's original. Can't say that about Ballard's (which has a big ol' ad in Loony - - er, Lonny).

Laurie Marshall said...

that boring room has floors that make me swoon. but otherwise - it sucks.

And book towers were popular, like, a decade ago. get creative already. or better yet - buy some freaking bookshelves.

hello gorgeous said...

Btw, it's crustache.

You're welcome.

Modernsauce said...

ugh - yet another bar cart and antler orgasmisplosion. Helloooo Lonny - it's 2010 not 2005!!

Sarah said...

Yes, boops, she is brilliant.
Jenny, you hit the nail right on the head. Love it!

Tiina said...

hairy vagina wallpaper.. haha

Brenda said...

What are thos white metal chairs? Love 'em!

Thankx.

Bee

my favorite and my best said...

h. gorgeous- crustache...genius.

bee- no idea who makes those chairs but i bet someone on here does.

fric and frac said...

I am totally on board with your Kelly Wearstler review. I can't stand the work she's been doing lately - all of the seventies pastels and spaceship furniture. I feel like when she got a deal to create a line for Bergdorf Goodman she was at a loss and just created a bunch of gigantic brass and stone objects to emulate found objects. Instead, they just look like Pier 1 in the 80's. I think she blew her wad with the Hollywood Regency (which I loved) and took her work in an unfortunate direction. As for the place with the bright colors in Lonny - you know I loved it!

steph littleshop said...

fuck, you are hard to please. I didn't think it was that bad except for the "room of solitude and despair" aka Vagabond Vintage reinvents Restoration Hardware. There were a lot of bars- I came home and rearranged mine today. I guess I am a fucking asshole from 2005. At any rate, it's better than most of the "my sphincter is so tight" homes in Elle Decor. Do love Martha's take on the bathroom.

Erica said...

I've never seen a Kelly Wearstler room in person...maybe they don't translate in photos, but I just don't get what the hype is with her? I don't find the rooms interesting and they sure as heck don't look comfortable.

LindsB said...

Im dying here and you have my boyfriend dying too- I mean big hairy vajayjays, porn stashes, drab rooms FOR SURE, OH and I cant forget about not reading the articles just rubbing one out to the pictures, I could not have said it better myself. Actually I know I never would have come up with something as cool as that.

I bow down to you funny, dirty mouth Queen of the reviews.

Robin said...

So glad I wasn't the only one who was obsessing over the dirty grout. Even if it is a rental, you are having your place professionally photographed for all the world to see and you can't get out the bleach and an old toothbrush? That's like having your portait taken but not getting your roots done first. Sheesh!

Marija said...

Okay just found you bc we were both winners over at Eddie Ross and I'm so glad I did. Love your style. I've only read 3 posts but so far, I totally agree with Phil. I'm looking forward to the next Lonny just to read your review! Though I will so totally be back before then. I hate that F&B wallpaper and I'm so glad I now have a proper nickname for it...

Lovely Little Nest said...

hahaha oh my gosh it took me 3 tries to get past the first 2 sentences, I was laughing so hard!! :)

hush said...

Jenny, I totally lurve you & would hit that Red Lobster shit hard with you. How about a drinking game for the next issue: take a shot of Pimm's for every reference to "mixes high and low."

I spied some freakin' mom jeans - page 70. Maybe it's true about either dressing or decorating well, not both.

Room Service ~ Decorating 101 said...

i looked at lonny...once.

sherri said...

"fuck you book tower" you lady, are awesome.

susie q said...

I'm still laughing! Your review is brilliant. And dead on. I loved that wallpaper until you named it... Oh well. Yes, yes -- you need your on show!

susie q said...

Oh, forgot to add this: My favorites of all your posts are the ones in which you weld your red mousy cyber-pen! Love it.

Colette's Cottage said...

poor Lonny, I hope it stays around for a while b/c I love your reviews.
i thought i was the only one annoyed by book towers...

Anonymous said...

Lady juices!
You def must get your own show. Like Mystery Science Theater, but for design nerds.

I do not understand the KWID love.
Yeah, her take on hollywood regency was great but it was just adapted from Tony Douquette's amazing style.
I would like to see Mary McDonald get 1/2 of KWIDS press.

Keep writing you always make me spit my coffee out

katie

Sarah said...

Red Lobster is totally awesome.

My friend asked me if I had read your post about Lonny yet and she was going on about how it was funny and I've read your blog, so I knew you would gripe a bit and I just didn't want to read it while I was riding the blissful tide that results from just staring at design eye candy for an hour. I was high on Bailey's and the sisters' apartments.
I just got around to reading it today and it is funny as hell. I won't wait as long next time.

my favorite and my best said...

thanks sarah. i am sure there are ass kissers out there who think i am a fuckhead for bitching, or as you say.."griping". but honestly...does lonny need an entire blogosphere of ass kissers? no...they don't.
plus it's what this blog is all about.

p.s. i was high on plenty of it myself.
xxoo

j