Monday, December 21, 2009

sometimes i put boogers in my pocket

and not fiona's either. her i make go get a tissue. i must teach her right from gross, right? my point of this is to say that i am all at once incessantly clean and lazy. no way in hell am i gonna throw that booger on the floor or wipe it under a table but i am also not going to get up from my cozy spot to grab a tissue, so in the pocket it goes. sort of for safe keeping until i pass the trash can or some toilet paper. but mostly it stays in the pocket until the washing machine can properly dispose of it. and that's just cuz i honestly forgot about it.


there's a crazy clean side of me that tends to emerge at this time of year, anticipating the big spring cleaning. it's not yet christmas but i feel the need to start taking inventory of what i am going to toss, donate and buy as well as the master plan for cleaning shit top to bottom. fuck you christmas..move on already!! in fact i feel like after christmas all cold weather should just go away. lets just get to the window-opening and bird chirping. i especially feel for you people in the northern climes. i mean farts!!! once that snow starts it just keeps dumping on you. sorry about that, really. at least here in the southeast the winter is relatively short. although in the south there's this evil indian giving thing with the weather...where one day it's 75 degrees and you are all psyched outside doing some much needed yardscaping and then bam! the next day it snows. i think this boils down to retarded weathermen. not global warming. srsly. does everyone out there have dumb as fuck weathermen like they do here in atlanta?
anyway, as i was thinking about all of this cleaning i came to the cleanclusion, you can't REAAALLY clean in a rental..the scary anal german housekeeper with thick rubber gloves that lives inside me wants to move the refrigerator away from the wall and clean under it, behind it and also remove the coils, filters and clean that shit out too. but the lazy renter that i am would rather stick toothpicks in my eyes than clean up after every renter that ever called this place home. so my thoughts turn to moving. when you rent this is not so big a deal. apart from packing shit up and the actual move sucking ass, it's not nearly as crazy as selling and buying and the headaches and heartaches that go with it. unless you're ally. she moves a lot. and i think she actually enjoys it. although i would too if my house buying budget were the same as hers. so that's where i'm at. cleaning like crazy in a house that's not mine or moving to a house that's not mine, cleaning it but not have to move shit around first. do we call that a double edged sword? or is that too dramatic? and this post really did just start as a way to tell you that i put boogers in my pocket, like a four leaf clover, a love letter or a cheap bowling alley vending machine trinket.

19 comments:

The Townhouselady said...

You're such a nutbag. I love it.

boops said...

you're a really good writer.

my favorite and my best said...

thank you boops!! why can't i comment on your blog? i tried. after reading that post about the dog...not only now do i want to kill someone i want to adopt that dog!!

FROM THE RIGHT BANK said...

You're right, up until my current move, I actually LOVED moving because to me, every new house is a blank decorating slate. But this move has taken it out of me. I HAVE HAD IT. I've lost count of all the things that have gone wrong. I'm exhausted and annoyed with everyone involved and don't ever want to move again. Oh, and up until our last house, all my moves were rentals too so I hear ya.

court. said...

so i guess my technique of wiping them on my seat isn't such a great idea ;) hahahah.

sketch42 said...

You are really nuts! BUT.... I totally agree on the renting thing not being clean enough... although there is nothing worse than moving.

You know that I actually collect wrappers, receipts and papers... anytime I have one, I dont want to litter so I just put them in my pocket or purse... Eventually my bag is jammed with crap and I have to do a total bag overhaul above a garbage can.

I always feel like I might need something so it is really hard for me to part with the stuff I accumulate.

tonyb said...

I too am a neat freak who stashes boogies in my pocket. i will add that i put them up in the top corner of the pocket where my hand is sure to never touch them. i'm sure seinfeld does the same thing if that's any consolation... may i also add that my wife is very giggly about your post being so close to my heart.

Julie said...

this post is videogum.com meets decor, in the best way possible.

Anonymous said...

this post is disgusting!!! on the other hand, I admire you for writing and... publishing it!

Kitty said...

at least you're not a booger eater... that would be gross. my brother has a tic where he picks his nose while driving, dries his boogers on his finger in front of the air vent, rolls the offending stickiness into a ball, and deposits it in the ashtray. i think it's less weird to just be done with it and stick it in your pocket! and furthermore, christmas can suck it. i'm bored of it and all its trappings already, and i want to take all this shit down! jezus!

boops said...

hi jenny...i didn't think anyone read it, but i've enabled the comment thingy now...i think turtle's going to be ok...alot of people are rooting for her :)

Jenny Brewer said...

hahaha love it!
I took my nose piercing out in college, because interfered with my nose picking.
Someone found my blog by searching for "what are boogers?" I didn't realize I discussed them so much.
Love your blog. Happy Holidays!

alia said...

My husband wipes his nose on the duvet. It takes a lot of pressure off me to be clean.

domestikatedlife said...

I just want you to know that I immeadiately voted for you on Apartment Therapy's Homies awards after reading this post.

Your booger-honesty is inspiring.

my favorite and my best said...

kate!! many thanks!! how sweet.

The Blasphemous Fiendess said...

I think that most people pick their noses and are not honest about it. You are honest, fearless, hilarious and so many people can relate to you because you say what they are thinking but are too repressed to say. I had a german housecleaner once who was awesome and gorgeous. That was annoying so I had to let her go. I SO agree about getting Christmas over with and getting on to spring cleaning. Here it is rain, not snow or at least rarely snow. It is going to be sunny all of this week though, and a mild above zero temperature range.

LindsB said...

I would totally pee in my pants if I saw you doing that next to me on the couch- and then there goes your clean rule. pee on the couch is not a nice smell, not that I would know. Vomit is worse.

Ok, thats another story. But yes renting sucks because I want to clean, like really clean, but whats the point when its not my place. I hate that feeling.

binaross said...

you are the best thing in my google reader.

Rebecca said...

Oh I totally relate, about the boogers and being a clean freak renter. I THOUGHT I was the cleanest renter alive until I moved ( Yesterday, was it really yesterday?) from one apartment to another in the same building, actually just down the hall. Easy, right? Until the movers moved everything and I saw how FILTHY I really am. Dust and cat hair everywhere. So now I am obsessively cleaning both apartments (the new one is filthy, too, worse than my old one, and that is saying a lot) and friends are coming over tomorrow night ( well, its 12:54, so that would be tonight) and I am trying to get everything in order. Haven't pulled the Fridge away from the wall yet, that will have to wait. Merry, booger christmas to you all....