the next design turd

have any of you watched this show? then you probably understand that we are dealing with a bunch of individuals who have no idea what good design/decor is. so you know, i don't claim to be a designer or even a decorator and unless i go into business as such i never will claim to be. but i do know that i have great taste and a good eye so that if i wanted to i am sure i could be.

let's get to it shall we?

*points of interest: their budget was 5,000 dollars per room, with 20 hours to complete the project.

first up we have jason "i have a vagina" champion. not a champion of design though are you jason?
jason had to redo a 17 year old girl's room who asked for a "sophisticated princess room". needless to say mr. vah-jeen was super excited. he also stated that since the team members were finally getting to do an individual challenge that "the judges would see who the designers were and who the decorator's were". separating the chaff from the wheat, as it were.

here is the before:
here is the after, or the 'wheat'...

you should know that those are place mats he has thumb tacked to the wall as a headboard. and the window "art" was painted freehand by mr. designer. and why in god's name would you get rid of that fabulous bed only to replace it with some jacked up wooden frame and place mats?? i don't think that bed could get any more "sophisticated princess". why not paint that motherfucker instead? and seriously, you couldn't find 300 dollars in your 5000 dollar budget for some fabulous window treatment??? so instead you went with the ghetto graffiti?
was it this built-in nook that sucked up the budget? hmmm....i'm confused jason, where in the high water of hades did that 5000 dollars go? it certainly didn't go toward paint since it's the same fucking paint that she started with.

wanna know what i would have done???

something like this:

yes this room most likely cost more than 5,000 dollars but you could find a great faux fur blanket almost anywhere nowadays for a couple hundred bucks, zig zag rugs at west elm are affordable, that bench and art could be found at a thrift store, target sells a pretty awesome tufted headboard, you might have to splurge on the light fixture and ghost chair but all in all a cheaper version of this room is attainable if you know what in the fuck you are doing.

moving on...


next up is lonni "deer in the headlights" paul.

lonni had a 17 year old boy who wanted a baseball themed room. ok, maybe not the easiest or most fun for a woman to do but still if you are a good designer/decorator you should be able to pull something stylish off with out it looking like a fucking themed room.

to her credit it was a little more chic that just putting up bunting with baseball team flags. or giant baseball wall decals.

this is the before:

here is the after:
ok, so it's not terrible. but it did read little boy as opposed to almost 18.

she made cutouts to look like bases. ok. kinda cool, i guess.

but this would have been cooler:

much more sophisticated color palette and instead of rock albums those could have been blown up images of baseball cards of his favorite players. done. 5,000 could have gone into some really cool modern furniture that he could take with him when he moves out...IN A YEAR!



moving on:

here is antonio "i will kill you later" ballatore.

his client was a 5 year old who liked dinosaurs and spaghetti. as the mother of an almost 5 year old i know that if i asked her what she liked she would most likely make something up on the spot and then change her mind 5 minutes later. for that matter i could suggest that she might like earthy modern decor and she would say yes. my point being you have free design reign with a kid this age.

here is the before:

here is the after:

complete with mdf cave cutouts and stupid dinosaur decals. seriously where did these fucking budgets go to?!?!?! and while i appreciate the photocopied kid cut out why in fucksake did he chop off his legs? and why does a 5 year old need a flatscreen in his room?

again with the cutout bullshit and primary colors. and why does every goddamned wall have to be a different shade of blue? and why so literal?

how about this?

maybe those shelves could display some cool dinosaur toys. i know for a fact target has a bag 'o dinosaurs for ten bucks. way better than stupid decals.

alright...moving on...


here's dan "of mice and men" vickery.


he had an 8 year old environmentalist who wanted an eco friendly room.

here's the before:

here is the godawful after:

so he gave her a big bed, bamboo flooring, some fucking hot pink wooden wall treatment bullshit that he couldn't even center her bed against and painted the walls 2 different colors. why do people think this looks good? it doesn't.i know what you're thinking...DID THE ENTIRE BUDGET GO TO THAT BAMBOO FLOOR??? YOU REPLACED HER PERFECTLY GOOD WOOD FLOOR WITH AN ECO FRIENDLY WOOD FLOOR? IT ALREADY WAS ECO FRIENDLY YOU DIP SHIT! IN THAT YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO FUCKING REPLACE IT!!!!

here's an idea:

take vintage or thrift store pieces and repurpose them. DUH!! fucking rainman.



dear christ, last but not least...

here is torie "gross redneck" halbert.


her client was another young girl, 11-ish i guess maybe younger. loved art and the colors red, blue and green.


here is the before:

here is the after:

so in true designtard fashion she took her child client's favorite colors and ran them all over the place. in the form of the ugliest blue on earth, a brick red shag rug, and lime green fabric wall hangings.

what about something like this instead?
a nice tiffany blue in small doses with little pops of red and green in the form of pillows and small accessories? if she likes art why not give her a parsons table against a wall with like hundreds of dollars worth of art supplies and cheap frames for her to frame her SHIT UP!!?!?!?!

rant accomplished.