Tuesday, August 25, 2009

the next design turd

have any of you watched this show? then you probably understand that we are dealing with a bunch of individuals who have no idea what good design/decor is. so you know, i don't claim to be a designer or even a decorator and unless i go into business as such i never will claim to be. but i do know that i have great taste and a good eye so that if i wanted to i am sure i could be.

let's get to it shall we?

*points of interest: their budget was 5,000 dollars per room, with 20 hours to complete the project.






first up we have jason "i have a vagina" champion. not a champion of design though are you jason?
jason had to redo a 17 year old girl's room who asked for a "sophisticated princess room". needless to say mr. vah-jeen was super excited. he also stated that since the team members were finally getting to do an individual challenge that "the judges would see who the designers were and who the decorator's were". separating the chaff from the wheat, as it were.

here is the before:
here is the after, or the 'wheat'...
you should know that those are place mats he has thumb tacked to the wall as a headboard. and the window "art" was painted freehand by mr. designer. and why in god's name would you get rid of that fabulous bed only to replace it with some jacked up wooden frame and place mats?? i don't think that bed could get any more "sophisticated princess". why not paint that motherfucker instead? and seriously, you couldn't find 300 dollars in your 5000 dollar budget for some fabulous window treatment??? so instead you went with the ghetto graffiti?
was it this built-in nook that sucked up the budget? hmmm....i'm confused jason, where in the high water of hades did that 5000 dollars go? it certainly didn't go toward paint since it's the same fucking paint that she started with.
wanna know what i would have done???
something like this:
yes this room most likely cost more than 5,000 dollars but you could find a great faux fur blanket almost anywhere nowadays for a couple hundred bucks, zig zag rugs at west elm are affordable, that bench and art could be found at a thrift store, target sells a pretty awesome tufted headboard, you might have to splurge on the light fixture and ghost chair but all in all a cheaper version of this room is attainable if you know what in the fuck you are doing.
moving on...


next up is lonni "deer in the headlights" paul.
lonni had a 17 year old boy who wanted a baseball themed room. ok, maybe not the easiest or most fun for a woman to do but still if you are a good designer/decorator you should be able to pull something stylish off with out it looking like a fucking themed room.
to her credit it was a little more chic that just putting up bunting with baseball team flags. or giant baseball wall decals.

this is the before:

here is the after:
ok, so it's not terrible. but it did read little boy as opposed to almost 18.

she made cutouts to look like bases. ok. kinda cool, i guess.
but this would have been cooler:
much more sophisticated color palette and instead of rock albums those could have been blown up images of baseball cards of his favorite players. done. 5,000 could have gone into some really cool modern furniture that he could take with him when he moves out...IN A YEAR!



moving on:
here is antonio "i will kill you later" ballatore.

his client was a 5 year old who liked dinosaurs and spaghetti. as the mother of an almost 5 year old i know that if i asked her what she liked she would most likely make something up on the spot and then change her mind 5 minutes later. for that matter i could suggest that she might like earthy modern decor and she would say yes. my point being you have free design reign with a kid this age.
here is the before:

here is the after:
complete with mdf cave cutouts and stupid dinosaur decals. seriously where did these fucking budgets go to?!?!?! and while i appreciate the photocopied kid cut out why in fucksake did he chop off his legs? and why does a 5 year old need a flatscreen in his room?

again with the cutout bullshit and primary colors. and why does every goddamned wall have to be a different shade of blue? and why so literal?
how about this?

maybe those shelves could display some cool dinosaur toys. i know for a fact target has a bag 'o dinosaurs for ten bucks. way better than stupid decals.


alright...moving on...


here's dan "of mice and men" vickery.


he had an 8 year old environmentalist who wanted an eco friendly room.

here's the before:

here is the godawful after:

so he gave her a big bed, bamboo flooring, some fucking hot pink wooden wall treatment bullshit that he couldn't even center her bed against and painted the walls 2 different colors. why do people think this looks good? it doesn't.i know what you're thinking...DID THE ENTIRE BUDGET GO TO THAT BAMBOO FLOOR??? YOU REPLACED HER PERFECTLY GOOD WOOD FLOOR WITH AN ECO FRIENDLY WOOD FLOOR? IT ALREADY WAS ECO FRIENDLY YOU DIP SHIT! IN THAT YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO FUCKING REPLACE IT!!!!
here's an idea:
take vintage or thrift store pieces and repurpose them. DUH!! fucking rainman.



dear christ, last but not least...


here is torie "gross redneck" halbert.


her client was another young girl, 11-ish i guess maybe younger. loved art and the colors red, blue and green.


here is the before:

here is the after:

so in true designtard fashion she took her child client's favorite colors and ran them all over the place. in the form of the ugliest blue on earth, a brick red shag rug, and lime green fabric wall hangings.

what about something like this instead?
a nice tiffany blue in small doses with little pops of red and green in the form of pillows and small accessories? if she likes art why not give her a parsons table against a wall with like hundreds of dollars worth of art supplies and cheap frames for her to frame her SHIT UP!!?!?!?!
rant accomplished.

77 comments:

AlliJean said...

I am right there with you. You nailed it. Why aren't the judges screaming and walking off of this train wreak of a show? Seems like it would be better for their image rather than sitting there and contributing to the idea that these people are somewhat decent "designers."

Simply Mel said...

My god I'm crying from laughing so hard! Why don't you request to be the Simon Cowell of this stupid show and do the play-by-play just as you did here! I would even consider getting a tv for this....

ms. less is always more said...

very successful rant.

This is a joke. I've seen past shows, but none of this season...

heather said...

I don't know this "show", but do these people actually know something about design going in? Because seriously $5000 is a HUGE budget for one kids room. I am not by any means a designer, but I am also not an idiot.

Loved your commentary though.

Southern Exposure said...

Seriously - these people are awful! I was cringing when I watched this Sunday night!

LindsB said...

I watched this last night and was cringing when I saw the afters- the only, and I mean ONLY one that is HALFWAY dec. is Lonnys- the rest are awful awful awful!

The Townhouselady said...

I think I love you.

Peck Avenue said...

AMEN to everything you said! I was appalled at these rooms, and was thinking the exact same thing - WHERE did all the money go?! It makes me a little sick to think that one of these people is going to be considered a "designer" in the end...

Micaela said...

i like this post a lot. keep these coming.

Kara said...

Yep - totally agree with everything you said.

The whole two walls different color thing - seriously that's been dead for a while right?!?

I'm surprised Vern didn't mention the whole cut out of the 5 year old. It could have been cool but no. Cut him in half.

And who is going to win? ugh.

Alana said...

freaking hilarious! seriously, where did they find these people? that "sophisticated princess" has me floored... he seriously got rid of that bed so he could thumbtack placemats up?! thanks for entertaining me. this blog is about the only amusing thing left out there in the world.

Susan said...

Thank gawd! I thought I was crazy!! These rooms were wretched! fucking LOVE your blog! :)

Susan

Erica said...

OH my heavens. I didn't even see this episode and I was SHOCKED, SHOCKED, at how hideous these rooms are. WTF

Thank you for ranting and raving so that I could live vicariously.

Betsy said...

agreed.
i couldn't even find the energy to rant about these hot messes.
But I very much loved reading yours.

Nice work on the comparison rooms too!!

Carol said...

I recorded this episode but didn't watch it yet. I don't think I want to after seeing the "afters". Seriously bad. I be pissed if I was one of those kids. Your inspiration rooms were sooooo much better.

Chesa said...

It's so disappointing because, I really really want to like them, but you just cringe the whole times like, wow you aren't going to finish (again) or wow that is a really bad idea (again) and finally it hits you that you are wasting your efforts and time hoping that you can send them enough good thoughts to not look like morons. Love your comments. I'm sad for them.

FROM THE RIGHT BANK said...

This is officially my favorite post ever. Please do this every week! I thought all the rooms sucked too and was totally having a cow watching it. I feel so much better now, having read your post so many thanks!

Anonymous said...

Wow! I have not watched this show, but I like every single before better. A blind man could have done a better job

bluehydrangea said...

somebody needs to get you on that show!! This post was more entertaining than the whole show!

Anonymous said...

HGTV has never had impressive design, so even the judges don't have much over them. I still find this show really entertaining though. I thought Antonio's was decent enough for a 5 year old and I thought Lonnie's was suitable for a 17 year old. I am just so glad Jason is gone and that I don't know him. I wanted to tape his mouth shut through the Tv.

Tori CAN NOT be only 35!

Wanderings of a Wannabe said...

hahaaaaaaaaaa i definately opted for a movie night over design star for this episode. luckily it turned out in my favor. these rooms suck suck suck.

hilarious post, as always.

ps i show all of my friends your blog and they thank me every day. and most of them don't know what a blog is. keep up the entertaining posts!

blackandtanandwhiteallover said...

I never comment but good god girlfriend you took the words right out of my damn mouth. You just became my new hero. This show is pathetic. Period.

urbansardines said...

I am DYING!!! This post was hilarious, and so spot on! I didn't watch the show, but they turned some pretty passable rooms into pure FUGLY! I almost wish I'd watched the show so I could gleefully watch you rip it apart. As it was, I felt indignant FOR you. Eeeexcellente!

urbansardines said...

P.S. You just made my day! I needed a good laugh!

Sarah, Note to Self blog said...

THANK YOU. This was hilarious, you took the thoughts right out my head. Watching this show is akin to watching Heidi Montag lip-syncing at the Miss Universe pageant: when it's over, I'm staring into space with my mouth hanging open, unable to believe the amount of time and money spent on such absurdities. Sweet Jesus, I can't FATHOM that one of these people is getting a contract with HGTV out of this. I did my own rant at my blog, but it's not nearly as to-the-point as yours. XO

MyLittleHappyPlace said...

OMG! Pissing in my pants hilarious - and I don't even know this show! I agree, WHAT did they spend the cash on???
You blew them out with your interpretations - rock on, sista!

mlessirard said...

You nailed it! and in such a good way. Pathetic use of money..and the cry baby was a bit much.

Oh and lets not forget when past design stars winner David came in and offered up NOTHING.

Every time Color Splash or miles of style come on TV I turn the channel.

Kim said...

Hilarious and so spot on! I hope you keep watching the show so I can hear the commentary. I myself will stay clear. This is the worst design I have ever seen on a design TV show! And so damn consistent.

mappingkat said...

Perfectly said. I can't bring myself to watch this show. Why is it always horrible? I usually end up DVRing it and then watching the reveal. It's all I can bear, and usually, then, I have to cover my eyes.

Elyse said...

I actually cried while reading this with my boyfriend. We were both blown away by how god-awful their designs were...jesus, I could design better than that! Yikes. Their total lack of talent wasted so much money...I can imagine my dorm room SO decked-out with $5,000! Dang!

Thanks so much for this post! Sooo enjoyable (other than the fact that the designs were like...not). Your suggestions were amazingly better. =)

my favorite and my best said...

now....what's candace, vern, and genevieve's excuse??

Sharnel said...

Thank you, you've made my day.

ks said...

i knew you'd get a va-jeen in there!
seriously WTF.
this show is like an SNL skit.
they keep showing the clip of vern saying, "it looks like a rainbow threw up" like that's funny. it doesn't even make sense.
YOU are funny. not vern.

i peek at this show between my fingers while my hands cover my eyes.
i usually like the before more than the after.

why are they inflicting these designers on military families??? they suffer enough.
talk about post traumatic stress disorder.

i'm always waiting for the judge to say, "this is repulsive"--and they say, "i LOVED this!"
paycheck must be huge.
maybe that's where the decorating budgets are going.

SGM said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
SGM said...

I had NO IDEA this kind of garbage was happening on Design Star. Joan Steffends on Decorating Sense, YES, but not this. At least Joan achieves the fug with $500 instead of $5000.
JESUS.

court. said...

oh my god i just peed my pants.

seriously. i watched this w/ my bf and this episode totally blew my future chances of watching Design Star again with him in the future. fuck.

Marina said...

Gee, ALL of the "befores" were one hundred times more sophisticated than the horrendous "afters"! If I were a crying parent who saw what they did to his/her kid's room, I'd ask for reimbursement of those 5000 bucks, in order to return the room to its previous state. And then more bucks for emotional damage.

Meg said...

You are hilarious. I just found your blog. So glad I didn't waste an hour watching that show this week!

annechovie said...

You know, I NEVER watch that show, but decided to give it a try for thr first time. I just happened to see this very episode and I regret wasting the time. Where do they find these people? In most cases, the BEFORE was better than the AFTER!! Did they pay those kids to come in with a look of false delight and exclaim OMG over and over?? They should hire you to be on a show called "Clean up the designer's messes"!

Alicia M said...

Couldn't have said it better myself! I could have done better than that with $500 and I don't even consider myself a designer! Geesh.

my little apartment said...

HAHAHAHAHA!

I haven't watched this season, but I'd read every one of your show reviews...hilarious. tthe people who do this show are usually all mildly retarded.

love this, love your blog, will definitely be checking back!

http://www.mylittleapartment.blogspot.com

jess@noelmarie said...

Holy crap, those are my exact thoughts. I am laughing so hard right now because that commentary was brilliant.

They are so terrible and it annoys the hell out of me. And that damn crack about "separating the designers from the decorators" made me want to hurl.

Sweet Nothings said...

i agree, they all did awful this challenge, and probably antionio was the best . i thought jason(who at age 17 wants a prtty princess room!) and lonny were both so off with what teenagers want..those rooms would been for 12 years olds top.

Jill said...

I watched this last night and was seethingly pissed off most of the night. The whole designer/decorator comment pissed me off.

The drawer full of spaghetti request made me laugh, but everything else just made me cringe.

This is a great post. I love the pics of what you would have done. Kids rooms are so much fun to do...this was just so sad.

compulsively compiled said...

Oh, my, god! I'm so glad I don't watch this show. I can't take all that ugly. Your picks, I love!

sarasophia said...

Your dissection of the travesty that is "Design Star" gives me hope that everyone isn't a complete retard when it comes to style.

Each and every episode should come with a 'trailer inspired' disclaimer.


My husband is a builder and I can't wait to read him this when he gets home. We both watch the show just to hate on it...this will have him grinning for hours:)

Mary in NC said...

THANK YOU!!! You were so spot on with your observations...and hilarious, to boot! I have watched Design Star from its inception and I have to say that America must have run out of designers for the 11 that started the show to have made it on. This is the most pathetic bunch of "designers" that I have ever seen. Like one commenter before me, I just wish the judges (especially Vern, he's the veteran) would go ahead and say what a disappointment the contestants have been. Maybe they know that already and that's why only the judges are voting this year. They might have realized that if they opened voting to the public, all they would get are complaints. I know someone has to win, but I don't expect to see a show coming out of this season.

BTW, whatever happened to last year's winner?

Joanna said...

Your rant expresses my true inner feelings about this show. And I hate all the Dan fangirls on the HGTV website. Sure he's cute but his design abilities are sad.

Anonymous said...

I think the 5k went to acting lessons for the kids for their reaction shots to the pathetic design.

erika @ urban grace said...

I wasted my time watching this on Sunday night too. I found it so painful... a disgrace to every real designer in the world. Loved the recap... spot on!!! Hilarious!

Anonymous said...

Am I the only one who didn't think the befores were bad enough to warrant makeovers? A little more creativity and kicking it up here and there, but for the most part they weren't that bad. Actually, they are kinda realistic about the way most of us live our lives. The afters were completely pathetic. And I'm being nice.

Nashay

Diane said...

I am SO happy i found your blog (via Isuwannee) I have been googling "design star blog" trying to find SOMEONE out there as pissed off as me. I understand they are limited in time and have to shop mostly at sears. But the show isn't about shopping - it is about DESIGNING. Create something interesting and beautiful. It PAINS me that one of the people is going to actually get their own show. BTW - i love all your "how about this?" images - i would LOVE any of those rooms. I hope someone at HGTV is reading all this.

Megan said...

Oh dear. These are terrible. And five thousand dollars is a pretty decent amount for a child's room! I am not watching this show and I don't think I will be starting anytime soon. You are too funny though.

art*deco*dame said...

wow,this makes me wish I had cable so I could watch this...like a bad train wreck!

Lauren Corbyn said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Also, you've inspired me. I created a "princess" room, trying to stay within the budget constraints of the show. I was more than halfway finished and had more than half the budget left, so I stopped counting. Ridonk. You can see mine here if you're interested. http://laurencorbyn.wordpress.com/2009/08/26/my-favorite-and-my-best/

J said...

I wanted to scream at the television. I am so mad at HGTV for actually taping this and putting it on the air. IT IS JUST BAD! No wonder the other judges bailed. At least the other season had personalities and beefs, this one is terrible. I don't see a favorite among any of them. When they had the White Room Challenge, I was all for Dan, Nathan, and Torie. Now I really could care less... Even after this challenge ( they had help) I feel like you, "Where in the hell does the budget go?" Not to mention they have to shop at Sears. The only thing that going for them is that they have Ty Pennington (his stuff is cute) and that is it. Boo Hiss for this season!!

MABELLE said...

This...is...HYSTERICAL!!!!!! I don't have cable, so thanks for reminding me why...

Jen West Design said...

DY-ING

Messylinda said...

Love your blog! Torie's room looked like she was just confused! Jason's was a disaster (Placemats??? For real???). Lonnie forgot he is 17, not 7! Dan seemed to be trying just a little to hard. Antonio's was probably the best, but not by a whole lot. Hell, Trading Spaces did a better job with only $1,000! Redid grandson's room for far less than 10% this budget. It's a hell of a lot better and more functional...and we do not call ourselves designers OR decorators. Holy crap - I really expected better from these people.

Keren @ The Cupcake Company said...

I just found your blog and OMG you are my fave already. Loving your work - it's priceless!! Keep it coming :o)

jo said...

As a fellow blogger, I was wondering how you get your pics for your site. Do I have to ask them or they just offered somewhere. I like to do a little something with the pictures.
I did add your site to my roll. I can't wait to see your other comments on other episodes. Or was this the first one.
You are right I think on a lot of it. Feel free to email me

my favorite and my best said...

jo-
usually the protocol is as long as you credit the photo source all is good. as for where do i find the photos? the interwebs, baby!

Cha Cha said...

How the fuck did Jason even get on this show? To call him amateurish is an insult to amateurs! His room looked like a complete shithole. Like a "before" picture of a dorm room in desperate need of a makeover. Everything he touched during his tenure on this show turned to shit. Can't believe he made it this far, or that he made it through the casting process.

Lonni's room looked decent, and I think doing the room of an 18 year old guy who clearly wasn't ready for anything adult would have been the most difficult and no fun at all, so props to her on that level.

Antonio's was disappointing. I thought he could do better. That was amateurish (without being insulting to amateurs - he's no Jason!).

Dan's was trashy and tacky as fuck. Only thing that saved him was Jason's uber-failure.

Torie's is on that same amateurish level as Antonio's. There was no need to resort to a loft bed in that space. That's pathetic. And her "name" wall with it's hideous fabric remnants and "paintbrush"....barf-o-rama!

I'd shitcan the whole bunch and start over. Is it really that difficult to find decent designers?!

corine said...

Hee hee hee. That was fun. I must watch this show, this is god-awful.

Tiina said...

hahaha, i need to see that show

allison said...

holy shiz..that was an awesome rant!

Jessica F said...

best blog post of my entire week. you are hilarious and dead on.

Devon said...

I am dying. Hilarious. Even more hilarious to think that someday people will actually pay these folks money to design their houses.

Dagny @ Beautiful Living said...

What a fantastic post! Haven't watched the show, but you've definitely got yourself a new fan! Keep 'em coming!

Kyle Lynn said...

Where in the world did they find these "designers?" very sad.....

susie q said...

Don't know how I ended up on your blog... but I'm so glad I did! I've not watched one second of Design Star. And, again, so glad. Thanks for the hilarious, rantorific summary! And you're waaaaaay more talented in your "How 'bout something like this" selections. Truly, did each Design Star-wanna-be pocket the $5,000? Those are hideous. Heinous. Outrageous.

ZDub said...

This is the best review EVAH.

Love your blog.

-ZDub

edgar cabrera said...

got to say it girl... I admire your straightforwardness! It is time to unmask these crooks!

Lovely Little Nest said...

First of all, you are hilarious!

Second, how on earth did these people even make it on the show?!

Lovely Little Nest said...

Oh, I forgot about my "third"...

Third...how are YOU not on the show?! I love love love the rooms you picked as what SHOULD have been done with the $5000 budget. Especially the last one with the tiffany blue - gorgeous! :)

Creative Coquette said...

I think I just fell in love.

xo-z

Anonymous said...

"retarded"...really? That is the most offensive thing about your post.