Tuesday, September 1, 2009

the next design turd, part doo

so last week we had the designturds "designing" (more like ruining) bedrooms for children. this week we have them "designing" a backyard for an unsuspecting family. so this week let's call them lawntards. unfortunately i've seen better landscape navigating on my vagina in bikini season.



the specifics: they had to work as a team with a budget of 25,000 dollars. that's quite a hefty budget for a yard. just as 5,000 dollars was quite a hefty budget for a child's room. but in true designtard fashion, they fucked it up.


the homeowners (husband, wife and toddler) asked for a "modern zen oasis". here is what the yard looked like before:


here is the after:
HAHAAAA HA HA HAA!!!! i know what you're thinking. probably the same thing you were thinking last week.. WHERE IN THE HOLY FUCKNESS DID THE 25 GRAND GO?!!!!?!?! THEY ALREADY HAD A FUCKING POOL FOR SHIT'S SAKE!!!!! OH, AND THEY RIPPED UP THE BRICK TO PUT IN CONCRETE?!?!?!? HAVE ANY OF THEM PUT THEIR BARE FEET ON FUCKING CONCRETE IN THE SUMMER TIME?!??!?! IT DOESN'T FEEL GOOD!! IN FACT IT FUCKING SUCKS! BUT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE HALF OF IT!!! THEY WERE OVER BUDGET!!! FIVE GRAND OVER BUDGET!!! THAT PEDESTRIAN LOOKING BACKYARD COST THOSE FUCK-KNUCKLES 30 GRAND!!


ok. so here's how that went down. torrie stepped up as team leader which ultimately caused her to be eliminated.


while torrie was doling out the fat wad of cash (in the form of 25 grand) to fellow blockhead dan there was a miscommunication over the budget and to make a long story short dan spent 10,000 dollars on a pergola. to which torrie replied in an interview, "i'm just beside myself, seriously. who spends 10,000 dollars on a pergola with a budget of 25 grand?" very true torrie, very true. who DOES spend 10,000 dollars on a pergola when the budget is 25 grand?? i'll tell you who torrie. this guy: to which dan replies in an interview, "we went slightly over budget". well dan "slightly over budget" vickery, MFaMB did a little research and found quite a few nice looking pergolas for a lot fucking less. here's one for 2,895 dollars:





and this behemoth is still half of what you paid for your vinyl one at 4, 967 dollars. and this one is like redwood forest lumber or someshit!!!! now i realize that the homeowner wanted modern and not log cabin but for fucksake dantard, don't sign off on a 10,000 dollar piece of vinyl without consulting all your options. BTW....has anyone on this show even been to a home depot? lots of DIY pergolas there for about 2 grand.


not so fast torrie...you and lonni spent 5 grand on a fucking play area. home depot sells that shit for half that. look this one is EXACTLY like the one you bought:
only this one was 1200 dollars. not 5,000 dollars. you fail.




so you losers are now up to 30,000 grand on a whole lot of nuthin. what about furniture? plants? well...that's when superclive comes to the rescue:
clive pearse, aka the host aka the coolest person on this show if only for the fact that he seems to be acutely aware of how much these guys suck, hands them a wad of cash in the amount of 5,000 dollars for them to finish (aka fuck up more) the project.


the rest is just sad. lonni and antonio fight over a river rock installation which is neither zen nor good. dan takes off his shirt a lot in an obvious attempt to win over the elderly women watching. torrie digs a bunch of holes for the "tropical zen like" plants they bought.



the judges (mandace olsen, vern pip and genevieve "psycho eyes" gorder) all pretty much seconded the general badness of the design. mandace at one point hit the nail on the head by saying, " a lot of things shopped for instead of designed". vern chimed in with "you exploited your limited resources". no duh vern. i think psycho eyes mentioned, not hearing their design voices. why aren't these judges saying things like, "wow..that is really fucking terrible." or "really?? 30 grand for that? where did they find you people?? is this some kind of a joke?"


over all it was a hot mess and a complete waste of all that money!!!!!


so let's talk about what we would have done differently. first of all as we have discussed here there was nothing zen like about this space. and they ripped up the brick (which i would have too) to make way for fucking concrete (which i would NOT have done).



instead let's do something like this:or this:i love grass all the way up to the edge of a pool, it looks so soft and inviting. plus it's a lot easier on the feet.

and how about a little, secluded seating area with a small zen like without being too literal fountain like this?
maybe something like this under a pergola, instead of that bullshit in pictures 4 and 5.
maybe a lush and tranquil lawn like this:let's also make some visual impact with some modern zen like ornamental grasses and succulents like this:and this:and this:
modern zen oasis? done.


images via hgtv and sunset mag

31 comments:

mike said...

ha ha - HIGHLY entertaining. HGTV should give you royalties for advertising. I guarantee the ratings have gone up on this train wreck with people watching just to laugh AT these people.

Re:Fresh Design Studio said...

Well said. I posted on my blog as well about all the horribleness of these peeps.

http://refreshdesignstudio.blogspot.com/2009/08/interior-design-stars-are-you-out-there.html

Love your design ideas.

Peck Avenue said...

10 grand for THAT pergola?! the fuck? i dont even know what to say when i watch this show, i just sit there and balk at the stupidity - yet i cant look away. you got it all right, once again, it just keeps getting worse

Simply Mel said...

You must send this in for a possible show! Seriously, it would rock!

Alicia M said...

The saddest part about this whole spectacle is that one of these yahoos will eventually "win" and be rewarded for their so called "design".
It's a cryin' shame.

Erica said...

I can't even watch anymore. I just come read your recaps which are so much more fufilling. Seriously HGTV should have a reality show competition among design bloggers. How great would that be.

Ms. Smart said...

That looks like shit. I want my money back! How did those freaks get on TV?!?!?!!?

Thanks for the entertainment J-dogg

bluehydrangea said...

Once again you hit the nail on the head...painful. It is all painful design. And to think I was actually excited when the show first started.

lady jicky said...

We have a few of these shocker shows here too. Mmmm - where did that money go???
I know ! Labour costs!!!!!
Its a big job to lay "roll-out" lawn.
there ya go!

Jessie said...

this post is why i love you. :)

Sharnel said...

thanks for making my fucked up afternoon a little less so fucked up.
loved it.

carly k said...

I'm glad I can get the recap from you so I don't have to waste my time watching this bullshit.

You would rock on this show! (If it makes it to next season!)

Room Service ~ Decorating 101 said...

I always watch design star and I never think it is good...I wonder if it is the pressure they have with the time and always needing to do something stupid like designing from your local Krogers...I feel sorry for them, and would not do that show for anything. But You are funny , my friend. Thanks

FROM THE RIGHT BANK said...

I've been waiting for this!!! I don't know what I enjoy more - watching them run around clueless or your recaps! Once again, you are dead on. I can't wait for next week!

meohmyoh said...

Haaaaahahahaha oooh, my love, once again you've pulled out all the stops. I don't even watch the show. Who needs to when we've got you to tell us how it REALLY went down.

pillow mint said...

oh.my.god.
i can't believe how awful those "designers" are. i feel so bad for that family!! I bet they just looked at each other in disbelief, and whispered....'what the fuck'?

Allison Hasel said...

OHMYGAWD. You are hysterical. I haven't watched this show, but have seen some of the recaps online where people mostly go WTF? However your recaps take it to a whole new level. I almost want to tune in just so I can see these horrible designs on tv in person, but I probably won't – I'll just tune in here for your HILARIOUS recaps. :)

Jennifer said...

Brilliant and hilarious! I am sick over the ripped up brick being replaced by crappy-ass concrete. I only "watch" the show through your recaps. Sounds like I am enjoying the right way. Keep 'em coming please!

MyLittleHappyPlace said...

Holy Crap - I'm seriously weeping funny-tears!
WHAT are they thinking???
My hillbilly cousin could design better scene than these idiots!

You should email the show with the link to this post!

EmElle said...

Oh man, you TOTALLY nailed this. Again. Hilarious post. Thanks for the laugh. And, btw, you've got some mad design skillz. You should have your own show. Rully.

court. said...

I, Courtney, do solemnly swear to never watch Design Star again.

Your posts are all too amusing and way better than watching that torture.

The sad part--doesn't the winner get their own show? THAT will be a debacle.

Michelle said...

I love your blog! That being said, I do want to point out one tiny flaw in the pergola rant: none of your examples include the foundation decking for the pergola that was also installed. Also? Installation = $$$. People are so quick to say they could find this or that for less money, but they forget that they had to pay people to set it up. Couple that with demanding that work be done on a very tight schedule, and you get an extremely high price tag. Torrie had no reason to be so flabbergasted over the price. She is an idiot.

b. said...

i have to say, i love this show and watch it every season but this season is horrible... where did they find these people. i have more creativity than any of them!

LindsB said...

best.review.of.ANY.show.ever! Hands down, my stomach hurts from laughing

Jessica Hills said...

I don't even have to watch it anymore! I just come look at your review!

carlee said...

I had this one dvr'd but thank you for saving me the 45 minutes to find out that not much got done! I'm so glad I found your review! Great post!

Visual Vamp said...

Love your reportage darling!
Been in Buneos Aires so I have missed this hot mess. You made it all come alive for me. Maybe a little too much ha ha.
Mandace, my oh my!
xo xo

Jeannine said...

What's sad is that for the first time, most of the people on the show have design businesses. In the past, there have been one or two professional designers mixed in with some furniture people, some artists, and some enthusiasts.

I think we're seeing designers who might be unsuccessful enough to look at Design Star as a viable option. Real, talented designers are probably too busy to entertain the thought of taking time off to compete on this show.

Mrs. Limestone said...

Love your recap. You are 100% right about everything.

The one thing that annoys me (aside from lack of talent) is the absurb deadlines they are under. Wouldn't it be more interesting to watch a good design that took 10 days than a shitty one that took 3?

urbansardines said...

well done, well done! I love the grass by the pool. i cannot be-lieve that those morons tore out something perfectly servicable to put in something twice as ugly and even more useless... lordamighty.

Jill said...

You should contact someone at HGTV or Bravo and show them your blog. You NEED your own show. Not only are you design savvy, but your darling as well. If I had any "in" with one of the networks, I would contact them myself about your skillz!

The only reason I continue to watch Design Star is because of the train wreck it has become.