the next design turd, part doo

so last week we had the designturds "designing" (more like ruining) bedrooms for children. this week we have them "designing" a backyard for an unsuspecting family. so this week let's call them lawntards. unfortunately i've seen better landscape navigating on my vagina in bikini season.



the specifics: they had to work as a team with a budget of 25,000 dollars. that's quite a hefty budget for a yard. just as 5,000 dollars was quite a hefty budget for a child's room. but in true designtard fashion, they fucked it up.

the homeowners (husband, wife and toddler) asked for a "modern zen oasis". here is what the yard looked like before:

here is the after:

HAHAAAA HA HA HAA!!!! i know what you're thinking. probably the same thing you were thinking last week.. WHERE IN THE HOLY FUCKNESS DID THE 25 GRAND GO?!!!!?!?! THEY ALREADY HAD A FUCKING POOL FOR SHIT'S SAKE!!!!! OH, AND THEY RIPPED UP THE BRICK TO PUT IN CONCRETE?!?!?!? HAVE ANY OF THEM PUT THEIR BARE FEET ON FUCKING CONCRETE IN THE SUMMER TIME?!??!?! IT DOESN'T FEEL GOOD!! IN FACT IT FUCKING SUCKS! BUT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE HALF OF IT!!! THEY WERE OVER BUDGET!!! FIVE GRAND OVER BUDGET!!! THAT PEDESTRIAN LOOKING BACKYARD COST THOSE FUCK-KNUCKLES 30 GRAND!!

ok. so here's how that went down. torrie stepped up as team leader which ultimately caused her to be eliminated.

while torrie was doling out the fat wad of cash (in the form of 25 grand) to fellow blockhead dan there was a miscommunication over the budget and to make a long story short dan spent 10,000 dollars on a pergola. to which torrie replied in an interview, "i'm just beside myself, seriously. who spends 10,000 dollars on a pergola with a budget of 25 grand?" very true torrie, very true. who DOES spend 10,000 dollars on a pergola when the budget is 25 grand?? i'll tell you who torrie. this guy: to which dan replies in an interview, "we went slightly over budget". well dan "slightly over budget" vickery, MFaMB did a little research and found quite a few nice looking pergolas for a lot fucking less. here's one for 2,895 dollars:

and this behemoth is still half of what you paid for your vinyl one at 4, 967 dollars. and this one is like redwood forest lumber or someshit!!!! now i realize that the homeowner wanted modern and not log cabin but for fucksake dantard, don't sign off on a 10,000 dollar piece of vinyl without consulting all your options. BTW....has anyone on this show even been to a home depot? lots of DIY pergolas there for about 2 grand.

not so fast torrie...you and lonni spent 5 grand on a fucking play area. home depot sells that shit for half that. look this one is EXACTLY like the one you bought:

only this one was 1200 dollars. not 5,000 dollars. you fail.

so you losers are now up to 30,000 grand on a whole lot of nuthin. what about furniture? plants? well...that's when superclive comes to the rescue:

clive pearse, aka the host aka the coolest person on this show if only for the fact that he seems to be acutely aware of how much these guys suck, hands them a wad of cash in the amount of 5,000 dollars for them to finish (aka fuck up more) the project.

the rest is just sad. lonni and antonio fight over a river rock installation which is neither zen nor good. dan takes off his shirt a lot in an obvious attempt to win over the elderly women watching. torrie digs a bunch of holes for the "tropical zen like" plants they bought.

the judges (mandace olsen, vern pip and genevieve "psycho eyes" gorder) all pretty much seconded the general badness of the design. mandace at one point hit the nail on the head by saying, " a lot of things shopped for instead of designed". vern chimed in with "you exploited your limited resources". no duh vern. i think psycho eyes mentioned, not hearing their design voices. why aren't these judges saying things like, "wow..that is really fucking terrible." or "really?? 30 grand for that? where did they find you people?? is this some kind of a joke?"

over all it was a hot mess and a complete waste of all that money!!!!!

so let's talk about what we would have done differently. first of all as we have discussed here there was nothing zen like about this space. and they ripped up the brick (which i would have too) to make way for fucking concrete (which i would NOT have done).

instead let's do something like this:or this:i love grass all the way up to the edge of a pool, it looks so soft and inviting. plus it's a lot easier on the feet.

and how about a little, secluded seating area with a small zen like without being too literal fountain like this?
maybe something like this under a pergola, instead of that bullshit in pictures 4 and 5.
maybe a lush and tranquil lawn like this:let's also make some visual impact with some modern zen like ornamental grasses and succulents like this:and this:and this:
modern zen oasis? done.

images via hgtv and sunset mag